The Low Down

Alright I'm back from Retirement to fill you all in on a great weekend of film. As everyone knows, the big film opening in theatres this weekend was Ice Princess. I know everyone was having a hard time getting tickets to the show, so for you disappointed fans who didn't get your grubby hands on a one way ticket to cinema extacy, here is a brief recap:

1) Ice Princess is gay
2) I didn't see Ice Princess
3) If there were an Ice Princess in Sin City, guaranteed Elijah Wood would have eaten her.

Ok people I didn't really see Ice Princess, but as you can guess, I DID see Sin freaking City! WOO! While you're all whining that you couldn't get out and see it this weekend, let me help you be a good film consumer. Some of you are all pumped about Sin City just because it has a sweet cast. Other people are pumped about it because it looks like it has mind blowing cinematography. Others just want to see some boobs and blood and this looks like a good ticket. But BEWARE!! Sin City isn't a simple bam bam shoot em up boob flick. In order to help you decide whether you, the discerning budding film critic should see Sin City, let me give you a littany of things that may draw you in/repel you from the movie. You gotta come correct before digesting 2 hours of this bad boy.

Should I see Sin City? Yes, if...
1) You like violence!! I'm not talking Steven Segal violence with accompanying one liners and gay running (have you ever watched Steven Segal run? If not, remember that kid in junior high who ran like a girl in gym class and everyone made fun of? Bam, that's exactly how Steve runs). I've been watching movies for going on 15 years, and I've seen nothing like some of the violence in this movie! It's revolutionary! If you like lots of blood, lots of violence, tons of beheadings (no not Kill Bill stylee) and some sweet guns, you might like Sin City

2) You like Scantily Clad Women!! A lesser focus of the movie is Jessica Alba's hotness. But she's really really hot, so if you like Jessica Alba and are trying to objectify her instead of picking up new dance moves (Courtney and Mandy I'm looking at you here), go see Sin City. Also if you like naked women, you will probably like Sin City. And if you're a dude and you don't like naked women, go see Ice Princess.

3) You have no qualms about seeing Elijah Wood transform from lovable tragic hero to woman-slaying cannibal. Ok I probably just ruined a lot of the movie there...nuff said.

4) You are a huge fan of old school film noir: I'm talking complete with haggard sounding voice overs, sleazy saxophone music in the background, and women being refered to as 'dames' and 'broads' and 'skirts'. Straight 1940's style. And the fact that the movie is shot in all black and white only further throws back not only to Frank Miller's comic book, but also to the films and cinema that inspired generations of movie goer/makers.

5) You like Chivas Regal: Ok I just made that up. You don't have to like Chivas to like Sin City, but if you don't like Chivas something is in fact wrong with you. Get right!

OK! That's my breakdown for why you should see Sin City. Below are reasons you might not like to see Sin City:

1) If you're taking a girl out and trying to hook up: Big mistake!!!! Sin City is definitely not the movie to take a girl to in order to get her all fired up for post-movie shenanigans. For that I would try Ice Princess. Lord knows doing ANYTHING after that movie (including getting run over by a train) would be a treat compared to sitting through that drivel. But seriously if you're thinking maybe Sin City would be a great complement to dinner, or some other form of date...I'd probably second guess your date planning skills.

2) You're not a fan of boobs/scantily clad women: I don't even know what to say here, but if you read qualification number two and it resounds with you...just, don't go see Sin City.

3) If you don't like awesome violence: yeah that pretty much explains itself.

4) If you're a fan of Josh Hartnett: Lord willing you will answer 'no' to this point with disgust (i.e. "pshhhyeah right. he sucks"), but in the unfortunate instance where you find Josh Hartnett a viable contributor to the cinematic world-this movie is not for you. Yeah he's in the credits, but I think his name is flashed on the screen longer than his presence in the movie. He's basically a glorified cameo.

5) If you think movies are real: Sin City might ruin your view of the world. Try reading the Lord of the Rings trilogy again.

And there you have it. I would highly suggest that you heed my advice on this movie, because as I found out in a fortune cookie this weekend: "Everyone agrees that you are the best". Kid you not...that was in my cookie and I couldn't agree more. I'm the best film critic there is, so rest assured my advice is rock solid. Until next time...have fun at the movies!!