No this isn't a blog about a play that you read in AP English, whose title I have obviously misspelled. But buckle in and get ready to read the first legitimate blog I've dropped in a while.
Yesterday evening I flew in to terrible Pittsbugh, PA from the sunny climes of Central Florida. For thsoe of you who don't know, I grew up in Miami, Florida. Even though I left Miami almost 10 years ago, I still consider it my home. Most of my family lives in Florida, I still have a number of close friends in Florida, and my stomach still flips over with happiness whenever I'm on a plane that touches down on a runway in Florida. The sights, the smells, the warm breeze that always seems to be floating through the air-everything about Florida appeals to every part of me. The experience of going back to Florida, for me, is akin to that feeling of walking into your parents house after that first bout with college finals-instantly everything feels safe, feels calm, feels welcoming. I know it seems to be uber-sentimental, but I swear that when I touch down in Florida the palm trees wave to me, welcoming me back. And when I leave, they sway their arms in the most exaggerated goodbye that never abates in intensity until they are far out of eyesight. It's like when I go to Florida I check the weight of my cares at the airport, and when I return I pick them up right where I dropped them off. This time back, though, someone piled up more baggage for me to take back.
I went down to Florida just for a few days to wish my grandmother a happy 80th birthday. While I'm sure that Grandma would love to have a slew of grandchildren fly down to see her on her birthday, the fact is that Grandma only has 4 grandkids: me and my brother and 2 sisters. So on this mission to Florida I was the unofficial emissary of goodwill from all the grandchildren...all 4 of them. My mom has 2 sisters, none of whome have kids but both of whom have failed marriages (which when you combine and average out the length of my aunts' first marriages, I think they total roughly 2 years). It's gotta be kind of sad for my Grandma to only have 4 grandkids. It's gotta be even sadder for her that one of her daughters (not my mom) still lives with her, works at Wal-Mart on the midnight shift, has no friends, and weighs roughly as much as a small elephant. I kid you not. This is where my blog starts for real.
My aunt, is for all intents and purposes, worthless. She doesn't produce offspring. She doesn't contribute to her local community. She doesn't better others with scintillating wit in conversation. She doesn't go to church and has essentially abandoned her faith...not because something incredibly traumatizing or disenchanting happened to her, but because she is too lazy to keep up. She doesn't exercise or maintain a semblance of a healthy lifestyle. She doesn't even give my Grandma a meagre check for rent. All my aunt does is consume...she's like a parasite. She consumes, I'm going to guess, roughly 5 times the daily caloric intake that humans should consume. She consumes my Grandma's money (and my inheritance?) and wastes it on things like going out to eat, impulse purchases on QVC, and tattoos of Tigger.
(author's note: Yeah you heard me right...my aunt has at least 7 Tigger tattoos. I dated a girl once who was unfortunate enough to find herself in a room alone with my aunt who was in the mood to show off her body art. While this girl and I eventually broke up in a not so conspicuous (or mature) display of fireworks, I do feel eternally sorry that the image of my Aunt Heiffer with no shirt on will be forever burned into her brain. Honestly!)
Basically my aunt is terrible. I know I throw that term around, but it's completely applicable to my aunt.
The purpose of this blog isn't to complain that I had to spend 5 days with a woman who is the spitting image of what a lack of self control/esteem should look like. The purpose is to pose a series of questions. How can you communicate to someone that they need to change when they don't want to hear it? How do you bring to light that someone is failing at life when they've put up psychological blocks that blind them to the truth? How do you earnestly try to care for family members who don't care about themselves? How do you resolve the feeling that you know you should love your family members with the reality that you can't stand being around them? These are questions that I've wrestled with over the past few days (in betwen rounds of golf, of course...hello I was in Florida!) and can't seem to come up with answers for. Maybe you all have answers, and maybe you don't; I really just needed to get some of that off my chest. And hey maybe we won't have to answer these questions. Maybe when my aunt gets married to the man she's engaged to (after having known him for 8 months) in June, she'll find the answers herself.
I've got 5 bucks and a failed marriage says that I'm wrong, though.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
Top 100 Installment C
So it's time for my last installment of Top 100 songs. Just a friendly reminder about some of the criteria I used to pick the songs. The criteria used are if you get 100 songs to listen to for the rest of your life which songs do you pick? I mean mostly all of U2's music would beat Like My Style by 50 Cent, but I also want some rap on the list and by default this is one of my favorite rap songs so it makes the list. I need a little bit of different genres. Secondly the list couldn't have too many from one band. This removes favorite band bias. Again I LOVE U2, but I'd get tired of it if 15 of their songs I listened to for the rest of my life. This adds variety and makes you think hard about your favorite band, as well as lesser known songs. Alright here we go.
33.) I Love Rock n Roll - Joan Jett
32.) Shake Ya' Tailfeather - Nelly, Murphy Lee, and P. Diddy
31.) Crazy Game of Poker - OAR
30.) Can't Stop Loving You - Phil Collins
29.) Amphetamine - Everclear
28.) One Day More - Les Miserables
27.) American Pie - Don Maclean
26.) One - U2
25.) Betterman - Pearl Jam
24.) Basketcase - Green Day
23.) Let it Be - The Beatles
22.) Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
21.) Lithium - Nirvana
20.) Yellow - Coldplay
19.) Because The Night - 10,000 Maniacs
18.) Can't Nobody Hold Me Down - Mase
17.) Leaving Town - Dexter Freebish
16.) Fortunate Son - CCR
15.) Spirit in the Sky - Norman Greenbaum
14.) Want You Back - Jackson 5
13.) Come on Eileen - Dexy and the Midnight Runners
12.) Sympathy For The Devil - Rolling Stones
11.) All Over You - Live
10.) Slide - Goo Goo Dolls
9.) I Am a Rock - Simon and Garfunkel
8.) Hotel California - The Eagles
7.) Hook - Blues Traveler
6.) Glycerine - Bush
5.) Don't Look Back in Anger - Oasis
4.) Walk On - U2
3.) In My Place - Coldplay
2.) Mayonaise - Smashing Pumpkins
1.) Bad - U2
Let the crying begin!
33.) I Love Rock n Roll - Joan Jett
32.) Shake Ya' Tailfeather - Nelly, Murphy Lee, and P. Diddy
31.) Crazy Game of Poker - OAR
30.) Can't Stop Loving You - Phil Collins
29.) Amphetamine - Everclear
28.) One Day More - Les Miserables
27.) American Pie - Don Maclean
26.) One - U2
25.) Betterman - Pearl Jam
24.) Basketcase - Green Day
23.) Let it Be - The Beatles
22.) Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
21.) Lithium - Nirvana
20.) Yellow - Coldplay
19.) Because The Night - 10,000 Maniacs
18.) Can't Nobody Hold Me Down - Mase
17.) Leaving Town - Dexter Freebish
16.) Fortunate Son - CCR
15.) Spirit in the Sky - Norman Greenbaum
14.) Want You Back - Jackson 5
13.) Come on Eileen - Dexy and the Midnight Runners
12.) Sympathy For The Devil - Rolling Stones
11.) All Over You - Live
10.) Slide - Goo Goo Dolls
9.) I Am a Rock - Simon and Garfunkel
8.) Hotel California - The Eagles
7.) Hook - Blues Traveler
6.) Glycerine - Bush
5.) Don't Look Back in Anger - Oasis
4.) Walk On - U2
3.) In My Place - Coldplay
2.) Mayonaise - Smashing Pumpkins
1.) Bad - U2
Let the crying begin!
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
This is a good get for Pittsburgh!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh Lord only in Pittsburgh. I'm so happy Pittsburgh is going to the Super Bowl and giving the people in this city something to live for...for at least two more weeks. Then it's back to the grind of living in an area with a declining economy, lack of new industry, startlingly low literacy rate, 30 year cultural lag behind the world, a terrible school system, endlessly gray skies, horrible looking women (present company excluded), and an abysmal hockey team that will hopefully be exported to Nevada. GO STERRRRSS!!!!
Top 100 Installment B
So last week I posted the first thirty-three of my top 100 songs ever. I know you're all burning for the next installment. All two of you that posted about it at least. So I'm going to throw down my next thirty-three now, but not before I point out a couple of things.
1.) I have a few posts here of late that are slamming if I do say so myself.
2.) Recycling sucks and Joel Settecase agrees.
3.) Andrew is getting his piece on the gay McDonalds sign posted as an Op-ed piece in the Grove City Allied News.
4.) I HAVEN'T BEEN DUMPED YET! The Steelers are going to the Super Bowl and I get to hang out with my "girlfriend" for two more weeks. I've avoided her cheating on me somehow or breaking up with me. I couldn't be happier.
Without further ado:
66.) Drops of Jupiter - Train
65.) Flagpole Sitta' - Harvey Danger
64.) Down On The Corner - CCR
63.) Papercut - Linkin Park
62.) The Sign - Ace of Base
61.) I'll Be There For You - Bon Jovi
60.) Like My Style - 50 Cent
59.) Walk On The Ocean - Toad The Wet Sprocket
58.) Pour Some Sugar On Me - Def Leppard
57.) Fly - Jars of Clay
56.) Any Way You Want It - Journey
55.) Buddy Holly - Weezer
54.) All These Things That I've Done - The Killers
53.) Head Like A Hole - Nine Inch Nails
52.) Regulators - Warren G
51.) Fisherman's Blues - The Waterboys
50.) I Would Walk 500 Miles - The Proclaimers
49.) Grace is Gone - Dave Matthews Band
48.) Yellow Brick Road - Elton John
47.) Like a Prayer - Madonna
46.) Perfect Situation - Weezer
45.) Sweet Home Alabama - Lynyrd Skinner
44.) So Much For the Afterglow - Everclear
43.) On Fire - Lloyd Banks
42.) Jungle Boogie - Kool and the Gang
41.) Somewhere - Our Lady of Peace
40.) Freedom 90 - George Michael
39.) More Than Useless - Relient K
38.) December - Collective Soul
37.) One Headlight - Wallflowers
36.) Running to Stand Still - U2
35.) Run - Snow Patrol
34.) Fix You - Coldplay
Stay tuned for more ...
1.) I have a few posts here of late that are slamming if I do say so myself.
2.) Recycling sucks and Joel Settecase agrees.
3.) Andrew is getting his piece on the gay McDonalds sign posted as an Op-ed piece in the Grove City Allied News.
4.) I HAVEN'T BEEN DUMPED YET! The Steelers are going to the Super Bowl and I get to hang out with my "girlfriend" for two more weeks. I've avoided her cheating on me somehow or breaking up with me. I couldn't be happier.
Without further ado:
66.) Drops of Jupiter - Train
65.) Flagpole Sitta' - Harvey Danger
64.) Down On The Corner - CCR
63.) Papercut - Linkin Park
62.) The Sign - Ace of Base
61.) I'll Be There For You - Bon Jovi
60.) Like My Style - 50 Cent
59.) Walk On The Ocean - Toad The Wet Sprocket
58.) Pour Some Sugar On Me - Def Leppard
57.) Fly - Jars of Clay
56.) Any Way You Want It - Journey
55.) Buddy Holly - Weezer
54.) All These Things That I've Done - The Killers
53.) Head Like A Hole - Nine Inch Nails
52.) Regulators - Warren G
51.) Fisherman's Blues - The Waterboys
50.) I Would Walk 500 Miles - The Proclaimers
49.) Grace is Gone - Dave Matthews Band
48.) Yellow Brick Road - Elton John
47.) Like a Prayer - Madonna
46.) Perfect Situation - Weezer
45.) Sweet Home Alabama - Lynyrd Skinner
44.) So Much For the Afterglow - Everclear
43.) On Fire - Lloyd Banks
42.) Jungle Boogie - Kool and the Gang
41.) Somewhere - Our Lady of Peace
40.) Freedom 90 - George Michael
39.) More Than Useless - Relient K
38.) December - Collective Soul
37.) One Headlight - Wallflowers
36.) Running to Stand Still - U2
35.) Run - Snow Patrol
34.) Fix You - Coldplay
Stay tuned for more ...
Monday, January 23, 2006
to Bowl or not to Bowl?
Ok people Keith needs your help.
Keith, as you all know, lives a life where nothing bad actually happens to him. Following in this vein, he has received the opportunity to buy Super Bowl Tickets. He's going to have to shell out a ton of cash to get them, but if he wants a ticket he has a guaranteed spot to see Pittsburgh play Seattle in Detroit. If you know how crazy Keith is about the Steelers, you probably know that's excited to the point of climax over the thought of going to Super Bowl Extra Large. HOWEVER!! The trip to SBXL is one that will only be paved by dolling out EXREME amounts of cash. Keith, excited as he is about going to the see the Steelers look for 'one for the thumb', is a bit hesitant to commit somewhere between $700-$1,000 to this venture. Why don't you all comment and tell Keith what he should do...he really needs the help. Drop your thoughts, comments, pros, cons, yes's, no's, whatever! The more advice the merrier, so let those comments flow as YOU, our faithful blog reader, help one of your favorite bloggers with this TREMENDOUS life opportunity!
GO!!
Keith, as you all know, lives a life where nothing bad actually happens to him. Following in this vein, he has received the opportunity to buy Super Bowl Tickets. He's going to have to shell out a ton of cash to get them, but if he wants a ticket he has a guaranteed spot to see Pittsburgh play Seattle in Detroit. If you know how crazy Keith is about the Steelers, you probably know that's excited to the point of climax over the thought of going to Super Bowl Extra Large. HOWEVER!! The trip to SBXL is one that will only be paved by dolling out EXREME amounts of cash. Keith, excited as he is about going to the see the Steelers look for 'one for the thumb', is a bit hesitant to commit somewhere between $700-$1,000 to this venture. Why don't you all comment and tell Keith what he should do...he really needs the help. Drop your thoughts, comments, pros, cons, yes's, no's, whatever! The more advice the merrier, so let those comments flow as YOU, our faithful blog reader, help one of your favorite bloggers with this TREMENDOUS life opportunity!
GO!!
Friday, January 20, 2006
Top 100 Installment A
So I recently completed a project with a friend of mine where I ranked my top 100 songs of all times. So in the spirit of a meaningless blog. I'm going to release them 33 at a time from 100-1. Here they come. If you have questions feel free to ask. We e-mailed each other back and forth putting ten songs on the list at a time. And after we had 100, we ranked them from 100-1 until we reached the top. It was a sweet project that I highly recommend. Here comes the first few!
100.) In the Meantime – Spacehog
99.) Gambler – Kenny Rogers
98.) Brick House – The Commodores
97.) Dreamer – Ozzy Osbourne
96.) Don’t Stop Dancing – Creed
95.) This DJ – Warren G
94.) Fill It Up Again – Indigo Girls
93.) This Time Around – Hanson
92.) The New Workout Plan – Kanye West
91.) Welcome to Atlanta – Jermaine Dupree
90.) Against All Odds – Phil Collins
89.) Bad Medicine – Bon Jovi
88.) Sweet Child of Mine – Guns n’ Roses
87.) I Will Follow You Into the Dark – Death Cab for Cutie
86.) World on Fire – Sarah McLachlan
85.) Steal My Sunshine – Len
84.) Rosa Parks – Outkast
83.) Bad Boy For Life – P. Diddy
82.) Spin Me Right Round – Dead or Alive
81.) Nite Becomes Day – Citizen Cope
80.) You Can Do It – Ice Cube
79.) Old Apartment – Bare Naked Ladies
78.) Paint It Black – Rolling Stones
77.) Man in The Mirror – Michael Jackson
76.) Livin’ On The Edge – Aerosmith
75.) Under The Bridge – Red Hot Chili Peppers
74.) Found Out About You – Gin Blossoms
73.) Pepper – Butt Hole Surfers
72.) Livin’ On A Prayer – Bon Jovi
71.) Song 2 – Blur
70.) Loser – Beck
69.) Paradise City – Guns n’ Roses
68.) Rollin Remix - Limp, Method Man, Red Man, DMX
67.) Yesterday – The Beatles
100.) In the Meantime – Spacehog
99.) Gambler – Kenny Rogers
98.) Brick House – The Commodores
97.) Dreamer – Ozzy Osbourne
96.) Don’t Stop Dancing – Creed
95.) This DJ – Warren G
94.) Fill It Up Again – Indigo Girls
93.) This Time Around – Hanson
92.) The New Workout Plan – Kanye West
91.) Welcome to Atlanta – Jermaine Dupree
90.) Against All Odds – Phil Collins
89.) Bad Medicine – Bon Jovi
88.) Sweet Child of Mine – Guns n’ Roses
87.) I Will Follow You Into the Dark – Death Cab for Cutie
86.) World on Fire – Sarah McLachlan
85.) Steal My Sunshine – Len
84.) Rosa Parks – Outkast
83.) Bad Boy For Life – P. Diddy
82.) Spin Me Right Round – Dead or Alive
81.) Nite Becomes Day – Citizen Cope
80.) You Can Do It – Ice Cube
79.) Old Apartment – Bare Naked Ladies
78.) Paint It Black – Rolling Stones
77.) Man in The Mirror – Michael Jackson
76.) Livin’ On The Edge – Aerosmith
75.) Under The Bridge – Red Hot Chili Peppers
74.) Found Out About You – Gin Blossoms
73.) Pepper – Butt Hole Surfers
72.) Livin’ On A Prayer – Bon Jovi
71.) Song 2 – Blur
70.) Loser – Beck
69.) Paradise City – Guns n’ Roses
68.) Rollin Remix - Limp, Method Man, Red Man, DMX
67.) Yesterday – The Beatles
Friday, January 13, 2006
Playoff Football Breaks your Heart
So I wanted to take a brief moment to drop a quick blog. It's about my newest thought / analogy. I also wanted to blog before the Steelers lose this Sunday, because after that I'll probably enter a two week depression. It's one of those things that it's like a cartoon. Think a rain cloud falling me over my head and dumping on only me. That's what it's like when the Steelers season ends ... but there's 500,000 of those rain clouds following everyone in Pittsburgh. The only difference is mine is categorized as a microburst.
This leads me to the subject of my blog. Allow me to put a disclaimer before it. I have never dated anyone. I've never entered into a dating relationship or dated anyone for one day let alone one for seven months. The analogy I'm about to share though is very fitting, close, and accurate to some degree ... I think. When your team loses in the NFL Playoffs, it's like getting dumped by your girlfriend. Now quit rolling your eyes, quit laughing, and hear me out.
Let's take a typical Steelers season. They go to training camp at the beginning of the summer and you start hearing reports about the Steelers. The new rookie looks good. Their defense is looking really good this year. Kind of like murmurs you hear during the summer. New girl coming this fall. She moved to Treesdale this year and is absolutely smoking. So you get to August. The Steelers start playing preseason games and you're relationship is off and running. You asked the girl out (bought tickets) and she said yes. It's on. For the next six months, if your team makes the playoffs, maybe seven if you're lucky, you do everything you can to help your team or learn about your team. You watch games, you read box scores, you learn players names. It's worse than that though. You learn names, numbers, colleges they're from. When they're hurt you frantically search the internet to find what happened. You call into talk shows to talk about your team, ask for the opinions of others, and do stupid things for them.
This is just like having a girlfriend, I think. You start dating and you spend time together. The first few dates are awkward as you figure each other out. You get to know one another quickly. Just like the preseason. You have four weeks to learn your starters, new players, backups, and 3rd string. It's a crash course. Then after a few weeks you learn that you like each other. You like her after the first few dates and you're gonna keep going out. You commit to your team for 16 weeks, and if things are going well, it continues a little longer. You like that she's a good cook - you love the new wide receiver your team signed. You like how she treats your friends - your players are likeable and great at the press conference. She has that time of the month when she's tough to be with - so does your team when it has that three week road trip against the Colts, Chargers, and Bengals. It's up and down give and take. You pour yourself into stats and teams and things like that. You spend money on her - you buy jerseys of your favorite players. You sit there and think about your teams matchup all week - you think about your girlfriend.
All the while in both situations you're hoping you make it all the way. You hope you have a chance at the end to win it all, seal the deal, score. The word plays are endless. So it gets to the playoffs and you've invested countless hours in the aforementioned activities. You've talked to your best bud and Dad about the playoffs and your team, just like you ask your buds for advice about your girlfriend. I think I've made my point and I'm sure there are some I'm forgetting about. Generally you get excited about both. Then the playoffs come and it's down to crunch time - you're having an important discussion with your girlfriend. Maybe it works out, and you can advance the relationship - move to the next round - or maybe you guys split up. Let's say your team loses in the divisional game, better yet the championship game. You're one game away from the Super Bowl. Your team loses. It's over. You're done. You have nothing to follow, pour your time into, get excited about on Sunday's until June, July, or August. It's like you found out your girlfriend found another guy and she dumps you. You suddenly revert back to having NOTHING to do on the weekend. You suddenly are depressed during the week when you read about your team - see your girlfriend or hear someone talk about her. You think about all the good times you had watching your team, that sweet flea flicker they pulled off or that awesome time they shut out the Browns 41-0 -- just like you think about making out with your girlfriend or that awesome time you saw a movie where stuff blew up.
Those good times never happen for like three months. Then the NFL Draft comes in April and you hear rumors about your team maybe drafting this player or maybe they're signing a free agent. They're messing around without consulting you. It's like when you hear people at school say, "Did you hear Mehgan is messing around with John? Don't tell Keith he'll be so depressed." Then what happens ... they sign the players and they're back together as a team. They report to camp and you get your season tickets in the mail ... guess what ... your team wants you back - your girlfriend realizes that the other guy is poor, a bad kisser, and you had more cash anyway. So now she's coming back. She tells you this is the year we make it work. We'll spend more time talkin things out - practicing and working on fundamentals. We'll make better decisions - have better coaches. Get the job done better - have new players.
So you're dumb and you take her back. You think to what life was like in February, March, April. You remember how boring your weekends were and how you had nothing to do. You haven't had a girlfriend since, so you're not getting any action and you're a little frisky. This blinds you to the fact that six months ago or so you said you hated your team and you'd never fall head over heels for them like this again. But you do. Every year ... hoping ... that they'll win it all. It's a love hate relationship, but it's necessary.
That's why if the Steelers loseon Sunday to the Colts. I'll mope around for like two weeks with a generally sad disposition. I'll dream of happy times, the Superbowl, and wish they hadn't broken up with me. I'll have nothing to do on weekends, I'll let myself go, and I'll never have any excuse to do stupid things. You know when you're dating and you spend like I don't know, a gajillion dollars on something. That's what it's like when you don't wash your jersey since it's lucky or you sit only on the left side of the TV during games. So the team loses and I nap more, I'm sullen, and I just ... it's just ... it's horrible. Just like I think it would be when your girlfriend dumps you. I don't really know, but it seems like you would have a ton of free time and be really sad. So that's my story. Let's hope the Steelers pull one off this weekend or I might go into hibernation for a few months.
Let's Go Stillers ... don't dump me on Sunday! If they do, I'll probably start burning plastic and throwing away recycled unused paper.
This leads me to the subject of my blog. Allow me to put a disclaimer before it. I have never dated anyone. I've never entered into a dating relationship or dated anyone for one day let alone one for seven months. The analogy I'm about to share though is very fitting, close, and accurate to some degree ... I think. When your team loses in the NFL Playoffs, it's like getting dumped by your girlfriend. Now quit rolling your eyes, quit laughing, and hear me out.
Let's take a typical Steelers season. They go to training camp at the beginning of the summer and you start hearing reports about the Steelers. The new rookie looks good. Their defense is looking really good this year. Kind of like murmurs you hear during the summer. New girl coming this fall. She moved to Treesdale this year and is absolutely smoking. So you get to August. The Steelers start playing preseason games and you're relationship is off and running. You asked the girl out (bought tickets) and she said yes. It's on. For the next six months, if your team makes the playoffs, maybe seven if you're lucky, you do everything you can to help your team or learn about your team. You watch games, you read box scores, you learn players names. It's worse than that though. You learn names, numbers, colleges they're from. When they're hurt you frantically search the internet to find what happened. You call into talk shows to talk about your team, ask for the opinions of others, and do stupid things for them.
This is just like having a girlfriend, I think. You start dating and you spend time together. The first few dates are awkward as you figure each other out. You get to know one another quickly. Just like the preseason. You have four weeks to learn your starters, new players, backups, and 3rd string. It's a crash course. Then after a few weeks you learn that you like each other. You like her after the first few dates and you're gonna keep going out. You commit to your team for 16 weeks, and if things are going well, it continues a little longer. You like that she's a good cook - you love the new wide receiver your team signed. You like how she treats your friends - your players are likeable and great at the press conference. She has that time of the month when she's tough to be with - so does your team when it has that three week road trip against the Colts, Chargers, and Bengals. It's up and down give and take. You pour yourself into stats and teams and things like that. You spend money on her - you buy jerseys of your favorite players. You sit there and think about your teams matchup all week - you think about your girlfriend.
All the while in both situations you're hoping you make it all the way. You hope you have a chance at the end to win it all, seal the deal, score. The word plays are endless. So it gets to the playoffs and you've invested countless hours in the aforementioned activities. You've talked to your best bud and Dad about the playoffs and your team, just like you ask your buds for advice about your girlfriend. I think I've made my point and I'm sure there are some I'm forgetting about. Generally you get excited about both. Then the playoffs come and it's down to crunch time - you're having an important discussion with your girlfriend. Maybe it works out, and you can advance the relationship - move to the next round - or maybe you guys split up. Let's say your team loses in the divisional game, better yet the championship game. You're one game away from the Super Bowl. Your team loses. It's over. You're done. You have nothing to follow, pour your time into, get excited about on Sunday's until June, July, or August. It's like you found out your girlfriend found another guy and she dumps you. You suddenly revert back to having NOTHING to do on the weekend. You suddenly are depressed during the week when you read about your team - see your girlfriend or hear someone talk about her. You think about all the good times you had watching your team, that sweet flea flicker they pulled off or that awesome time they shut out the Browns 41-0 -- just like you think about making out with your girlfriend or that awesome time you saw a movie where stuff blew up.
Those good times never happen for like three months. Then the NFL Draft comes in April and you hear rumors about your team maybe drafting this player or maybe they're signing a free agent. They're messing around without consulting you. It's like when you hear people at school say, "Did you hear Mehgan is messing around with John? Don't tell Keith he'll be so depressed." Then what happens ... they sign the players and they're back together as a team. They report to camp and you get your season tickets in the mail ... guess what ... your team wants you back - your girlfriend realizes that the other guy is poor, a bad kisser, and you had more cash anyway. So now she's coming back. She tells you this is the year we make it work. We'll spend more time talkin things out - practicing and working on fundamentals. We'll make better decisions - have better coaches. Get the job done better - have new players.
So you're dumb and you take her back. You think to what life was like in February, March, April. You remember how boring your weekends were and how you had nothing to do. You haven't had a girlfriend since, so you're not getting any action and you're a little frisky. This blinds you to the fact that six months ago or so you said you hated your team and you'd never fall head over heels for them like this again. But you do. Every year ... hoping ... that they'll win it all. It's a love hate relationship, but it's necessary.
That's why if the Steelers loseon Sunday to the Colts. I'll mope around for like two weeks with a generally sad disposition. I'll dream of happy times, the Superbowl, and wish they hadn't broken up with me. I'll have nothing to do on weekends, I'll let myself go, and I'll never have any excuse to do stupid things. You know when you're dating and you spend like I don't know, a gajillion dollars on something. That's what it's like when you don't wash your jersey since it's lucky or you sit only on the left side of the TV during games. So the team loses and I nap more, I'm sullen, and I just ... it's just ... it's horrible. Just like I think it would be when your girlfriend dumps you. I don't really know, but it seems like you would have a ton of free time and be really sad. So that's my story. Let's hope the Steelers pull one off this weekend or I might go into hibernation for a few months.
Let's Go Stillers ... don't dump me on Sunday! If they do, I'll probably start burning plastic and throwing away recycled unused paper.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
haiku guessing game
Let's play a game. I'm going to write some haiku's, and you're going to tell me what you think they are about. I haven't written a haiku since I was probably in 5th grade, and as I recall I won some pretty stellar awards for my haiku stylings. HAI! KU YOU GUESS THIS?!
Crash and Coalesce
Strings of black infiniti
Warm Cacophony
ok here's another one
Slicing the Darkness
with a heating sensation
get up, close the blinds
alright try your hand at THIS ONE!!
Crimson and Garnet
Arms reach out to greet your frame
wrap'd but not embraced
Ok one more
Parting careless curl
cover that which I desire
lightest golden brown
These are all thigns in my office, or at least representations of things that I have in my office. GO GUESS!!
Crash and Coalesce
Strings of black infiniti
Warm Cacophony
ok here's another one
Slicing the Darkness
with a heating sensation
get up, close the blinds
alright try your hand at THIS ONE!!
Crimson and Garnet
Arms reach out to greet your frame
wrap'd but not embraced
Ok one more
Parting careless curl
cover that which I desire
lightest golden brown
These are all thigns in my office, or at least representations of things that I have in my office. GO GUESS!!
Monday, January 09, 2006
Recycle ... get real!
Ok. I've been quiet for a while. I know. People comment when greatness is silent. But in an effort to lower my blood pressure and to live a healthier more stress-free life I've been trying to be less opinionated. My Dad calls it the "who cares" factor. Merely just shrugging your shoulders at stupid things that bother me typically. These things include but in no way are limited to the following:
1.) Blown calls by referees.
2.) Horrible commercials.
3.) Bad TV.
4.) Raging Liberals.
5.) Stupid stuff that's not as sweet as I am or Andrew is.
So today I'm not shrugging my shoulders, but instead I am clenching my fists. Why you ask? I'll tell you why ... recycling is ridiculously stupid. It might quite possibly be the dumbest idea foisted upon us by the media and people who need a reason to get their panties in a bunch, do good, and feel better about themselves and their own excess.
So here's the beef. For this article I've gone to various sources, both conservative and liberal. I found some facts, from the ragingly liberal New York Times that speaks frankly about recycling and it's stupidity. Of course all these facts are probably lies since they come from the Times and I'll be proven wrong. This is a blog, not a newspaper, so I'm not footnoting here. But I do have the sources saved if you'd like to see them. A quick story then the facts.
My parents live in a township that has instituted a new, and dare I say STUPID, recycling system. They now are forced to separate all trash in the house before putting it in the can, and the trash can in general. I've always thought recycling was dumb, cumbersome, a waste of time and money, but it's infinitely worse now. Now we have to seperate paper scraps from plastic, lids from cans, and boxes pretzel sticks come in from plastic yogurt comes in, and so on and so on. It's absurd and now EVERY ROOM OF OUR HOUSE HAS TWO STINKING CANS IN IT! The two worst parts are yet to come. One we get find $30 American dollars for every infraction we commit. So if I mess up while visiting my parents and don't dismantle the Pretzle Stix box correctly we can get fined. Plus for large items or any extra bag each week we have to buy a sixty cent tag extra. If that doesn't just scream money-making scheme I don't know what does. Like we don't pay garbage men enough. Last worst part of it all, they didn't even get to vote on it all. How horrible is that? Last time I checked we didn't live in Cuba!!!! What is going on here.
So here's why I'm miffed. It's a colossal waste of time and I think it's a complete fraud to make people feel better about it. But you put up these straw arguments for me:
1.) But Keith we're running out of space to throw our trash!!! False - To fill up another thousand years worth of trash all you would need is space that equals 35 miles square by 100 yards deep. Wow that's so big. On all of God's green earth we don't have space like that ... HOW ABOUT ALL OF MISSOURI!!!! We have plenty of space. And the point of my article, if you care about space and waste ... quit wasting so much stuff. Don't buy 35 packs of starburst at Costco buy one pack at your local grocery store. Don't be a pig yourself.
2.) Recycling saves us money and energy. I even heard our very own Andrew utter this, "The energy saved from recycling one glass bottle can be used to watch TV 3 hours!" Maybe ... if we do it correctly. Recycling often costs more in time, money, and energy since it's so poorly run. Let's not even get into what it's costing me. I spent 15 minutes dismantling AN EFFING CARDBOARD BOX ON SATURDAY! 15 MINUTES! It would have taken me 10 seconds to walk it down with trash and another 15 seconds to smash in the truck ... wow. That's a lot of energy used by throwing stuff away. Look how much it cost me personally. But by the time you get a glass bottle, separated, where it needs to go, melt it, and then make something out of it. You have to be kidding me. Great we can run a TV for three hours off that. If it's poorly run you can lose money and energy as well. How about this. Turn off your lights when you leave your house. How about this turn off the TV when you go to bed. How about this quit running water while you shower in the sink or brush your teeth. Don't make me separate glass to make up for you being a wasteful pig.
3.) It reduces pollution if we recycle. False! Maybe in the ground, but those fumes you're letting out from melting plastic ... they're burning kindergarden kid's noses. They'll have three eyes thanks to you. Ok that one's false, but you're taking up space and making pollution as well.
4.) My point is this. Politicians and grain and nut eaters have created recycling out of some media scare that we were running out of space in the late 80's ... 87 if I remember correctly. Now people do it sine it makes them feel better. They feel like they're saving space, doing good, and getting rid of waste. Want to get rid of waste? Go look at packaging for Grocery stores and packaging companies use to ship products. Want to look at waste look at all the food you throw off your plate at an All-you-can-eat buffet. Want to see waste? Go see how much money is spent in a casino while the homeless dude outside it freezes (side note ... I gamble). There's so much waste in this world other than my plastic Wild Cherry Pepsi bottle.
So quit wasting my time, invading my life, and telling me what to do. Next time I want to recycle I will, but don't force me too. Allow me to at least vote on it. This isn't a dictatorship. So when did it become ok for someone to tell me what I have to do and how I have to do it. As for me, I'm going to start throwing more stuff away.
1.) Blown calls by referees.
2.) Horrible commercials.
3.) Bad TV.
4.) Raging Liberals.
5.) Stupid stuff that's not as sweet as I am or Andrew is.
So today I'm not shrugging my shoulders, but instead I am clenching my fists. Why you ask? I'll tell you why ... recycling is ridiculously stupid. It might quite possibly be the dumbest idea foisted upon us by the media and people who need a reason to get their panties in a bunch, do good, and feel better about themselves and their own excess.
So here's the beef. For this article I've gone to various sources, both conservative and liberal. I found some facts, from the ragingly liberal New York Times that speaks frankly about recycling and it's stupidity. Of course all these facts are probably lies since they come from the Times and I'll be proven wrong. This is a blog, not a newspaper, so I'm not footnoting here. But I do have the sources saved if you'd like to see them. A quick story then the facts.
My parents live in a township that has instituted a new, and dare I say STUPID, recycling system. They now are forced to separate all trash in the house before putting it in the can, and the trash can in general. I've always thought recycling was dumb, cumbersome, a waste of time and money, but it's infinitely worse now. Now we have to seperate paper scraps from plastic, lids from cans, and boxes pretzel sticks come in from plastic yogurt comes in, and so on and so on. It's absurd and now EVERY ROOM OF OUR HOUSE HAS TWO STINKING CANS IN IT! The two worst parts are yet to come. One we get find $30 American dollars for every infraction we commit. So if I mess up while visiting my parents and don't dismantle the Pretzle Stix box correctly we can get fined. Plus for large items or any extra bag each week we have to buy a sixty cent tag extra. If that doesn't just scream money-making scheme I don't know what does. Like we don't pay garbage men enough. Last worst part of it all, they didn't even get to vote on it all. How horrible is that? Last time I checked we didn't live in Cuba!!!! What is going on here.
So here's why I'm miffed. It's a colossal waste of time and I think it's a complete fraud to make people feel better about it. But you put up these straw arguments for me:
1.) But Keith we're running out of space to throw our trash!!! False - To fill up another thousand years worth of trash all you would need is space that equals 35 miles square by 100 yards deep. Wow that's so big. On all of God's green earth we don't have space like that ... HOW ABOUT ALL OF MISSOURI!!!! We have plenty of space. And the point of my article, if you care about space and waste ... quit wasting so much stuff. Don't buy 35 packs of starburst at Costco buy one pack at your local grocery store. Don't be a pig yourself.
2.) Recycling saves us money and energy. I even heard our very own Andrew utter this, "The energy saved from recycling one glass bottle can be used to watch TV 3 hours!" Maybe ... if we do it correctly. Recycling often costs more in time, money, and energy since it's so poorly run. Let's not even get into what it's costing me. I spent 15 minutes dismantling AN EFFING CARDBOARD BOX ON SATURDAY! 15 MINUTES! It would have taken me 10 seconds to walk it down with trash and another 15 seconds to smash in the truck ... wow. That's a lot of energy used by throwing stuff away. Look how much it cost me personally. But by the time you get a glass bottle, separated, where it needs to go, melt it, and then make something out of it. You have to be kidding me. Great we can run a TV for three hours off that. If it's poorly run you can lose money and energy as well. How about this. Turn off your lights when you leave your house. How about this turn off the TV when you go to bed. How about this quit running water while you shower in the sink or brush your teeth. Don't make me separate glass to make up for you being a wasteful pig.
3.) It reduces pollution if we recycle. False! Maybe in the ground, but those fumes you're letting out from melting plastic ... they're burning kindergarden kid's noses. They'll have three eyes thanks to you. Ok that one's false, but you're taking up space and making pollution as well.
4.) My point is this. Politicians and grain and nut eaters have created recycling out of some media scare that we were running out of space in the late 80's ... 87 if I remember correctly. Now people do it sine it makes them feel better. They feel like they're saving space, doing good, and getting rid of waste. Want to get rid of waste? Go look at packaging for Grocery stores and packaging companies use to ship products. Want to look at waste look at all the food you throw off your plate at an All-you-can-eat buffet. Want to see waste? Go see how much money is spent in a casino while the homeless dude outside it freezes (side note ... I gamble). There's so much waste in this world other than my plastic Wild Cherry Pepsi bottle.
So quit wasting my time, invading my life, and telling me what to do. Next time I want to recycle I will, but don't force me too. Allow me to at least vote on it. This isn't a dictatorship. So when did it become ok for someone to tell me what I have to do and how I have to do it. As for me, I'm going to start throwing more stuff away.
Friday, January 06, 2006
I'm a genie in a bottle
Hypothetical situation:
You stumble upon a dusty magic lamp as you are tramping through the snow. As you kick the lamp, a genie pops out with a turban on and everything. He says to you, "Since you have awakened me from my slumber, I will grant you one wish, but I get to set the parameters for the wish because I'm ornery". You start to protest, but the genie continues. "I will grant you the ability to punch one celebrity of your choice in the face, without fear of ay legal ramification. When you say this person's name, they will show up right in front of you to begin their unfortunate meeting with your fist. Son of Adam (or Daugher of Eve), which celebrity do you choose to bludgeon?"
Some people might have to sit, and think about which celebrity they would like to pummel. I, on the other hand, could not spew the words 'Paris Hilton' out of my mouth fast enough. I know that there are thousands of internet sites dedicated to hating Paris Hilton, so in part my revelation that I'd like to punch her in her mouth isn't so stunning. But what is stunning is how she continues to suck...er be terrible. Let's make a laundry list of why Paris Hilton sucks, just really fast.
1) She sucks
2) She's not that hot
3) Her voice sounds like fingernail tires screeching to a halt on a chalkboard road
4) Her nose looks like a vulture's nose
5) Her incessant partying is actually annoying.
6) The crap that comes out of her mouth has actually been proven to make people stupider...her sentences liquify brain tissue
7) Not only is One Night in Paris a hit porn flick, it gets you over 35 million hits on Google. I'm sure most of you reading this have seen the movie, but I haven't, but apparently it's a documentation of the only one thing that Paris is good at.
I could go on and on, but the point has been made. Paris Hilton is a plague upon our nation. What makes matters even worse, people, is that the plague is now spreading to te airwaves. Yes, you heard me right, Paris Hilton is cutting a CD that she actually wants to sell to Americans. Her voice is terrible enough with no backgroud bubblegum pop rave going on behind it. Now imagine her voice, in a sing-songy manner, with said bubblegum pop rave booming in the background. I know, it's hard right? But try...trryyyyyyy.
I don't have to try. Because I secretly hate myself, I downloaded a copy of her latest song, "Screwed", from Morpheus (and yes, Morpheus is still around). Journey with me, if you will, to the land of Paris Hilton's creative side. HEY! Pull that gun away from your temple! You haven't even read the lyrics yet!!
Let's start it up again
You’re under my skin
Same old story
Boy meets girl
And she falls much harder than him
Baby, where’s the glory
If all night, all night
Your attention’s not mine
Then, please don't let me in
You’re under my skin
It’s a sin
Cause you’re starting to win
[chorus]
Since I’m already screwed
Here’s a message to you
My heart’s wide open
And I’m just not gettin' through
To the lover in you
And I’m still hopin’
That tonight, tonight
You’re gonna turn down the lights
And give me a little more room
Just to prove it to you
What do I gotta do
Ok that's just the first verse and chorus. I gets even worse from here and I can't even bear to make you, the faithful blog readers, look at this atrocity. Let me give you, as best as I can, an interpretation of Paris' song in my words:
Verse One:
Hey boy face, let's get back together and hook up...I like you more than you like me, so pay attention to me or I'm going to throw a hissy fit
Chorus:
I'm really easy, and have nothing to lose by throwing myself at you. Seriously, I'm really easy and will probably nail you if you just call me and express minimal interest in me.
BAM!! If the lyrics aren't banal enough, the music on this CD is absolute trash. TRASH! I could make the beats with my old Tuareg midi player on my computer. Remember Tuareg? I do, and Paris' song sound like it was made on a shareware midi player. HAHA!! This song is so bad, and Paris Hilton sucks so much, and the fact that she's trying to infect MORE of our media outlets with her terribleness makes me, well, want to punch her in the face. So that's how I feel about Paris hilton, and I'm trying really hard to think of a way to boycott her CD...not because it has questionable lyrics or because it's going to illicit violence from her listeners, but just because it's terrible. The fewer terrible things that we as Americans have to deal with, the better. So if you can help me think of a way to remove Paris Hilton from the ever watchful public eye, let me know.
Oh yeah, also:
Tell me that you do
Tell me that you do
Tell me that you wanna take my number
There will come a day
A hazy day in May
Or a storm in mid-December
When you need someone
Just to have a little fun
Then I could be the perfect girl for you
(read, "I'm honestly a stupid ho")
You stumble upon a dusty magic lamp as you are tramping through the snow. As you kick the lamp, a genie pops out with a turban on and everything. He says to you, "Since you have awakened me from my slumber, I will grant you one wish, but I get to set the parameters for the wish because I'm ornery". You start to protest, but the genie continues. "I will grant you the ability to punch one celebrity of your choice in the face, without fear of ay legal ramification. When you say this person's name, they will show up right in front of you to begin their unfortunate meeting with your fist. Son of Adam (or Daugher of Eve), which celebrity do you choose to bludgeon?"
Some people might have to sit, and think about which celebrity they would like to pummel. I, on the other hand, could not spew the words 'Paris Hilton' out of my mouth fast enough. I know that there are thousands of internet sites dedicated to hating Paris Hilton, so in part my revelation that I'd like to punch her in her mouth isn't so stunning. But what is stunning is how she continues to suck...er be terrible. Let's make a laundry list of why Paris Hilton sucks, just really fast.
1) She sucks
2) She's not that hot
3) Her voice sounds like fingernail tires screeching to a halt on a chalkboard road
4) Her nose looks like a vulture's nose
5) Her incessant partying is actually annoying.
6) The crap that comes out of her mouth has actually been proven to make people stupider...her sentences liquify brain tissue
7) Not only is One Night in Paris a hit porn flick, it gets you over 35 million hits on Google. I'm sure most of you reading this have seen the movie, but I haven't, but apparently it's a documentation of the only one thing that Paris is good at.
I could go on and on, but the point has been made. Paris Hilton is a plague upon our nation. What makes matters even worse, people, is that the plague is now spreading to te airwaves. Yes, you heard me right, Paris Hilton is cutting a CD that she actually wants to sell to Americans. Her voice is terrible enough with no backgroud bubblegum pop rave going on behind it. Now imagine her voice, in a sing-songy manner, with said bubblegum pop rave booming in the background. I know, it's hard right? But try...trryyyyyyy.
I don't have to try. Because I secretly hate myself, I downloaded a copy of her latest song, "Screwed", from Morpheus (and yes, Morpheus is still around). Journey with me, if you will, to the land of Paris Hilton's creative side. HEY! Pull that gun away from your temple! You haven't even read the lyrics yet!!
Let's start it up again
You’re under my skin
Same old story
Boy meets girl
And she falls much harder than him
Baby, where’s the glory
If all night, all night
Your attention’s not mine
Then, please don't let me in
You’re under my skin
It’s a sin
Cause you’re starting to win
[chorus]
Since I’m already screwed
Here’s a message to you
My heart’s wide open
And I’m just not gettin' through
To the lover in you
And I’m still hopin’
That tonight, tonight
You’re gonna turn down the lights
And give me a little more room
Just to prove it to you
What do I gotta do
Ok that's just the first verse and chorus. I gets even worse from here and I can't even bear to make you, the faithful blog readers, look at this atrocity. Let me give you, as best as I can, an interpretation of Paris' song in my words:
Verse One:
Hey boy face, let's get back together and hook up...I like you more than you like me, so pay attention to me or I'm going to throw a hissy fit
Chorus:
I'm really easy, and have nothing to lose by throwing myself at you. Seriously, I'm really easy and will probably nail you if you just call me and express minimal interest in me.
BAM!! If the lyrics aren't banal enough, the music on this CD is absolute trash. TRASH! I could make the beats with my old Tuareg midi player on my computer. Remember Tuareg? I do, and Paris' song sound like it was made on a shareware midi player. HAHA!! This song is so bad, and Paris Hilton sucks so much, and the fact that she's trying to infect MORE of our media outlets with her terribleness makes me, well, want to punch her in the face. So that's how I feel about Paris hilton, and I'm trying really hard to think of a way to boycott her CD...not because it has questionable lyrics or because it's going to illicit violence from her listeners, but just because it's terrible. The fewer terrible things that we as Americans have to deal with, the better. So if you can help me think of a way to remove Paris Hilton from the ever watchful public eye, let me know.
Oh yeah, also:
Tell me that you do
Tell me that you do
Tell me that you wanna take my number
There will come a day
A hazy day in May
Or a storm in mid-December
When you need someone
Just to have a little fun
Then I could be the perfect girl for you
(read, "I'm honestly a stupid ho")
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Your hands didn't move and neither did mine...
New Years!!
It's the first day back at work, and here's a stream of consciousness rendition of what my brain looks like after a week and a half of not using it:
I'm so tired
I need some coffee
I shouldn't drink too much coffee
Man, I'm hungry
I need to download that all american rejects song
I bet no one knows who sang that song that titles this blog
Becca is loud
I hope it doesn't rain this weekend
I need to figure out my vacation days
Miles Davis
This computer blows
I love new shoes
I'm so hungry
Ok here I go to answer phone calls. Happy New Year!
It's the first day back at work, and here's a stream of consciousness rendition of what my brain looks like after a week and a half of not using it:
I'm so tired
I need some coffee
I shouldn't drink too much coffee
Man, I'm hungry
I need to download that all american rejects song
I bet no one knows who sang that song that titles this blog
Becca is loud
I hope it doesn't rain this weekend
I need to figure out my vacation days
Miles Davis
This computer blows
I love new shoes
I'm so hungry
Ok here I go to answer phone calls. Happy New Year!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)