I'm a genie in a bottle

Hypothetical situation:

You stumble upon a dusty magic lamp as you are tramping through the snow. As you kick the lamp, a genie pops out with a turban on and everything. He says to you, "Since you have awakened me from my slumber, I will grant you one wish, but I get to set the parameters for the wish because I'm ornery". You start to protest, but the genie continues. "I will grant you the ability to punch one celebrity of your choice in the face, without fear of ay legal ramification. When you say this person's name, they will show up right in front of you to begin their unfortunate meeting with your fist. Son of Adam (or Daugher of Eve), which celebrity do you choose to bludgeon?"

Some people might have to sit, and think about which celebrity they would like to pummel. I, on the other hand, could not spew the words 'Paris Hilton' out of my mouth fast enough. I know that there are thousands of internet sites dedicated to hating Paris Hilton, so in part my revelation that I'd like to punch her in her mouth isn't so stunning. But what is stunning is how she continues to suck...er be terrible. Let's make a laundry list of why Paris Hilton sucks, just really fast.

1) She sucks
2) She's not that hot
3) Her voice sounds like fingernail tires screeching to a halt on a chalkboard road
4) Her nose looks like a vulture's nose
5) Her incessant partying is actually annoying.
6) The crap that comes out of her mouth has actually been proven to make people stupider...her sentences liquify brain tissue
7) Not only is One Night in Paris a hit porn flick, it gets you over 35 million hits on Google. I'm sure most of you reading this have seen the movie, but I haven't, but apparently it's a documentation of the only one thing that Paris is good at.

I could go on and on, but the point has been made. Paris Hilton is a plague upon our nation. What makes matters even worse, people, is that the plague is now spreading to te airwaves. Yes, you heard me right, Paris Hilton is cutting a CD that she actually wants to sell to Americans. Her voice is terrible enough with no backgroud bubblegum pop rave going on behind it. Now imagine her voice, in a sing-songy manner, with said bubblegum pop rave booming in the background. I know, it's hard right? But try...trryyyyyyy.

I don't have to try. Because I secretly hate myself, I downloaded a copy of her latest song, "Screwed", from Morpheus (and yes, Morpheus is still around). Journey with me, if you will, to the land of Paris Hilton's creative side. HEY! Pull that gun away from your temple! You haven't even read the lyrics yet!!

Let's start it up again
You’re under my skin
Same old story
Boy meets girl
And she falls much harder than him
Baby, where’s the glory

If all night, all night
Your attention’s not mine
Then, please don't let me in
You’re under my skin
It’s a sin
Cause you’re starting to win

[chorus]
Since I’m already screwed
Here’s a message to you
My heart’s wide open
And I’m just not gettin' through
To the lover in you
And I’m still hopin’
That tonight, tonight
You’re gonna turn down the lights
And give me a little more room
Just to prove it to you
What do I gotta do

Ok that's just the first verse and chorus. I gets even worse from here and I can't even bear to make you, the faithful blog readers, look at this atrocity. Let me give you, as best as I can, an interpretation of Paris' song in my words:

Verse One:
Hey boy face, let's get back together and hook up...I like you more than you like me, so pay attention to me or I'm going to throw a hissy fit

Chorus:
I'm really easy, and have nothing to lose by throwing myself at you. Seriously, I'm really easy and will probably nail you if you just call me and express minimal interest in me.

BAM!! If the lyrics aren't banal enough, the music on this CD is absolute trash. TRASH! I could make the beats with my old Tuareg midi player on my computer. Remember Tuareg? I do, and Paris' song sound like it was made on a shareware midi player. HAHA!! This song is so bad, and Paris Hilton sucks so much, and the fact that she's trying to infect MORE of our media outlets with her terribleness makes me, well, want to punch her in the face. So that's how I feel about Paris hilton, and I'm trying really hard to think of a way to boycott her CD...not because it has questionable lyrics or because it's going to illicit violence from her listeners, but just because it's terrible. The fewer terrible things that we as Americans have to deal with, the better. So if you can help me think of a way to remove Paris Hilton from the ever watchful public eye, let me know.

Oh yeah, also:

Tell me that you do
Tell me that you do
Tell me that you wanna take my number
There will come a day
A hazy day in May
Or a storm in mid-December
When you need someone
Just to have a little fun
Then I could be the perfect girl for you

(read, "I'm honestly a stupid ho")