Communist-Mart

For quite some time now I have been promising a blog about my opinion on Wal-Mart. I've had to gather my thoughts and frankly they're so scattered and many I'm not sure I can put them all down coherently. I tend to try and make my blogs humorous in nature, but this one is entirely serious. I hate Wal-Mart. I know I know. I'm a raging conservative which should mean that I LOVE Wal-Mart. I just want you to know that I've researched the facts and I fall down on the side of democrats and unions on this one. It kills me to type it, but Wal-Mart must be stopped for the good of America.

I will try to keep my points simple and to the point without rambling. There really are three reasons that Wal-Mart must be stopped. First they're killing our economy. Second they're not saving us money like they think they are, but are in fact costing us more money than we realize and lowering our quality of life. Finally, they treat employees unfairly. For a company that makes $6.6 billion dollars a year in profit they pay their people precious little. Without any more delay let's get this party started.

1.) Wal-Mart is slowly killing our economy. Wal-Mart (here after known WM or Communist-Mart) claims to buy American. They only buy American when it's convenient for them though, or in fact the cheapest product they can buy. It plays itself out a couple of different ways in the store. Clothing at WM is sold at the cheapest price possible and here's why. Let's say that WM wants to do business with Bugle Boy jeans. WM offers to use 100% of Bugle Boys factories at 100% ouput for 3 years. They will carry everything that Bugle Boy can make. Bugle Boy jumps at the bit on this one. Because 7.5 cents of every dollar spent in America will end up at WM. A pretty impressive stat and a pretty impressive slice of business.

So Bugle Boy agrees. They sign the deal and WM then tells them they have to use 70% dye instead of 100 and then go with a 100 thread count instead of 200 in order to save some money. They also must take only 6% of the profit instead of 10% Bugle Boy is reluctant and agrees as it's 100% of their factories for 3 years. 3 years goes by and what happens? Two things. 1.) Bugle Boy gets a bad name for making crappy jeans that rip and fade thanks to WM. 2.) In order to make jeans cheaply and make some profit still they close the majority, or all, of their American factories and begin making jeans overseas in China where there are no labor laws and kids can work 130 hours a week. So now it's time for Bugle Boy to renew with WM and they say instead of making 6% of the profit they have to give all but .2% to WM. Bugle Boy says no way we won't make any money, but if Bugle Boy leaves their product will die since it now has such a crappy name. WM wins and keeps getting all the profit or Bugle Boy dies ... just like Arizona jeans, Route 51 jeans, and many others before. They kill the company. And that's just clothing.

For example recently Levi jeans has been under contract with WM. They had to create a whole new line of jeans to actually sell them there. As these were horrible jeans it ruined their brand name effectively. What happens to be a more crushing blow is that in the last year they announced the closing of their last two factories in the States. A company that had sixty factories in the country before now has none. 2,500 more Americans lost their job. So yes a WM opens more jobs when a store opens, but over the course of 10 years Levi has closed 60 factories eliminating 75,000 jobs. Where do these jobs go? Only to the fastest growing economy in the world - China. Communist China were Levi can go and and have someone work 130 hours a week to make jeans. WM imports $15 billion a year in goods from China. So reason number one is they close American factories and give money to what could be eventually our biggest competitor. This doesn't even explore the fact that they force the hands of other companies to do as they wish. Vlasic pickles for example which make the least profit off whole pickles are asked only to sell those at WM ... in gallon jars making one cent profit per jar. Eventually this kind of hand forcing by WM drove Vlasic pickles into bankruptcy. But as mentioned Vlasic and others can't afford to not use WM as WM makes in two months what Home Depot and other stores do in a year. They are the largest company in the world right now. You can read it for yourself here if you like

2.) That was my longest point so bear with me. Point two is that WM is costing you much more money than you think. The average hourly worker at WM makes only $18,000 a year, and many more in fact are part time employees. This means they don't qualify for WM's poor health care benefits and often times have to mooch off medicaid. Not only that, but many of WM's employees make so little they qualify for welfare. Granted everyone qualifies for welfare these days since the system is horrible. But if you're saving 20 cents on toothpaste because you shop at WM, you really aren't. Your tax dollars are also going to help pay these employees eat and generally live. Now granted if WM disappeared tomorrow we wouldn't have lower taxes, but we can fight that fight after this one. I'm tired of my money paying people that could be making enough money if their employer wasn't greedy. For a company that makes roughly $6.6 billion a year in profit their employees should not be qualifying for welfare. That's just poor leadership and management and frankly I'm tired of them taking my money at the register and on April 15th. Call me crazy but I like having my money spent the way I want to spend it. Not paying the employees of a company that provides low end products for me. It's a long report but feel free to read it on your own time

3.) Lastly and briefly since this blog is already getting a little long. WM treats it's employees unfairly. I hate unions. I hate them with every fiber in my body because they make things run inefficiently. But WM fires anyone who tries to even talk of starting a union. This is a little unfair. They shouldn't act like a communist nation or company run by a dictator. If employees want to raise new ideas or discuss things then they should be able to. I believe if WM is running things well people will decide a union is a poor idea. Also WM on average pays women employees with the same qualifications and in the same position as men an average of 6.4 percent less. I have the newspaper with this fact in it if you'd like to see it. They treat their women poorly. Now you know I don't discriminate against women. I think they should have the nicest kitchens money can buy ... just a joke ... but this is poor. They don't allow discourse amongst their employees and they treat women unfairly. The company doesn't give good health benefits, if any at all, and when they do employees often have to give 60% of their salary in order to qualify for said "benefits." Not the type of treatment you should expect from your "All-American" company. Not to mention the people they drive out of business like Mom and Pop stores and other companies like K-Mart. WM has effectively squashed all the other competition by strong arming businesses.

It's a great idea, but one that has been executed poorly. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about low priced goods. But I also like freedom of choice. I want to be able to choose if I want my rap CD censored or not. You don't get this choice at WM. I want to be able to choose whether my tax dollars go to a certain store or not. I want to be able to choose the high end jeans over the low end jeans. This is not possible at WM. I don't want to walk into WM and see it enabling people to continue being poor. I want to see people make smart choices and save money. It's not always easy and WM tries to portray the image that it is. They're slowly not only sending all of our jobs overseas, but they're also strengthening a potentially dangerous economy for the US in years to come. All these combined has helped me make the decision not to give my dollar to Wal-Mart. I choose to shop at Target, Giant Eagle, or even Marshalls or Best Buy. It's ok if my life is not the most convenient life possible.

I will say two things. This was a long blog so take your time and read it over. If you have more questions feel free to ask me. I can go into more detail, but this one is too long as is already. Secondly WM has done some good. They've run an efficient, timely, and large business. They are almost the poster child of capitalism and have done some good things. For my taste though they've done too many bad things along the way. That's why I'm taking a stand and this time it means not shopping at Communist-Mart ... even if it is the liberal thing to do.

It's a jungle out there!!!

Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, it's a jungle out there. Regardless of whether you live in the city, or in rural, horrible, downtrodden Western PA the world is becoming a much more violent place! Even the most docile of creatures are having to pursue a path of violence and destruction to make a decent way in the wild, wild world. Take for example...me! Yep...there I am, bright and chipper, ready to take on any task that the world could possibly throw at me! I've got that defiant, "Come on world! Give me what you got, because I'm going to slap you in your gap toothed mouth!" How am I so supremely confident in a world teetering on the edge of self-destruction? I will tell you me friends that I have a few secrets. The secrets of my bottled bravado are detailed in this photograph, if ye have eyes to see! Come with me, and find the secrets to making your own destiny!

Step 1: Have a good friend with you. As you can see, part of my unbridled confidence stems from the fact that I have a good friend by my side. Through thick or thin good friends will stand by you, and help you conquer the 'lions' and 'bears' of life's jungle experience. Frengel and I are good friends. Keith and I are good friends, though there was a time when I contemplated suffocating him with the underside of my posturepedic pillow! You all should really ask about it sometimes. It's a story that underscores how the trivial aspects of life should not drive friends apart! It's also a story for another day because after a good friend, you need...

Step 2: A Solid Haircut! Call it the faux-hawk, call it the 'rhino', call it the 'reverse Alphalpha'...call it what you will but don't call it ridiculous! In times of trouble, a good haircut will help you feel better about yours standing in life. Reflect with me children!! Who all of you has not at one point stood in front of a mirror, eagerly searching the crevaces and nuances of one's facial canvas looking for one clue as to how to engage a situation looming on the horizon? I know you all have!! If in searching your exterior frame for an internal pathway of enlightenment you have a solid haircut, it makes it a little easier to keep searching for the answer somewhere on your face. Plus, a solid haircut will make you more aerodynamic should you need to run away fro life's problems.

Step 3: Be Supremely Confident! "Who of you by worrying can add even a day to your existence"? It's a question asked to us by the Christ, and it is a question that still stands today...why worry so much! Pump that fist in the air, pull those lips back in a gnarled grin, and charge ahead into the jungle of life! Remember, predators can't eat what can't be eaten, so don't sit still long enough to worry about getting eaten...because you will be. Eaten that is...or consumed by life's problems if you will. Just run with the metaphor here people. Finally, in order to clear a pathway through the underbrush and jaggers of the jungle of life, you will need...

Step 4: An Awesome Headband! As you can see from my defiant stance, I've got a killer headband on. Now I can really take the world on, and do it with authority!! Hiya, World! You got nothing!!!

So those are 4 steps to fighting your way through the jungle of life. I wish you all the best on the start of the school year (you students), and the best to you working folk who are starting to lament the fast approaching end of summer. GO!

Andrew reacts and then blames Satan

So by now you've all read Andrew's blog. And if you've ever played Street Fighter 2 for Super Nintendo you probably laughed pretty hard. It paints a perfect picture of the game. A game that drives you to play better so you can hear the voice say, "PERFECT!" when you secure a flawless victory. The game does breed competitiveness. I used to be a product of it's competition. One time I lost to Andrew and our roommate Jordan so many times that I let out a tirade of "f-bombs" so fierce and so horrible that Andrew and Jordan just looked at me and started laughing. I had offended so much that it went past shock and disgust level and went straight towards laughter. After this Andrew and I created a system to help keep each other from swearing. Every time one of us swears we owed a dollar to the other person. Seeing as how money never changed hands, we then resorted to punching one another. This system is working much better. Although the last time we were together we spent a large amount of time spelling swear words instead. "Oh c'mon son of a b-i-t-c-h-!" Hmmmmm ....

I digress. After playing my friend Joe who isn't very good at Street Fighter 2 and getting creamed, I decided it was time to put down the controller. I needed to go deep within myself and find the source of the problem, or at least a temporary cure. I decided that perhaps I was not as good at Street Fighter as I had originally determined, but at times got lucky or hit hot runs. How could this be possible? Video games are designed to put people on an even playing field. Take away the fact that I am fatter than Andrew. Take away the fact that he's faster than me. It creates people who have strengths that offset the fact they're fat (E. Honda hurling himself across the screen and yelling Doof Gooey) or the fact that they may be smaller (Dhalsim being able to stretch across the screen or throw fire). All things in Video Game Land are even. There is no room in video games for luck I thought. This my friends is not true.

It still happens today on your X-Box or your PS2, but it happens WAAAAAAY more often in Super Nintendo. You hit the block button for Ryu and somehow, SOMEHOW, Ken's foot gets through your hand it kicks you in the head dropping your health some 25%. You cry out, as Andrew often does, "No way. NO FU$&*#G WAY! I BLOCKED THAT!!" This is usually followed by Andrew chucking the controller at say our sliding glass door. What we don't know, but what usually happens I'm sure, is the 2nd grade kid next door hears this and goes crying to his mother out of fear. Fear that this man might bust through the wall and inflict harm on him or start hurting his ears with curse words again. But the point is Super Nintendo is an inexact science. If you're in the general vicinity it's going to count as a hit. Even if the fire barely touches your ankle, your whole body is ENGULFED in flames causing MASSIVE damage. This dawned on me. That's how you can get lucky. You get the other person frustrated. They begin mashing buttons even more. Next thing you know things aren't as precise with them, in an already inexact game, and you have a couple wins come rolling your way.

This is probably how I beat Andrew 4 or 5 straight times with Zangief. I'll let that sink in.

I beat him with Zangief ... multiple times.

Zangief, or the Big Red Machine as I like to think of him as, is just that, a huge communist. He can shoot no projectiles, he has zero speed, and he has the hops of a white kid with a disability. This guy is bad. But as Andrew kept running at me I'd just keep throwing kicks at him hoping that they'd land in the area and count. Which is exactly what happened. My demons had been exorcised. I didn't blame my fault on Satan and now rarely get extremely pissed while playing. Even though I lost more than I won that night, I was alright with it for the most part.

Andrew has yet to find this out. He still takes losses personally, and allows the competitive spirit within to begin shouting many a profane word and he starts physically throwing stuff. I've actually seen him expectorate on the floor in anger. Yes on our carpet. After he lost once he turned to the left, chucked the controller, and I had to put my foot up to keep it from shattering our sliding glass door. My foot instantly welled up red. You would think this injury incurred in real life, not on the video game screen would have curbed Andrew's real life anger. No. After some other loss later that evening he began to throw his controller like a baby, let out some unmentionable "You gotta be fu%^&ng kidding me. This game is complete bull s@#t.", and began throwing things. He threw pillows, the threw our little round chair over, he threw couch cushions, soft foam coolers, and other items such as magazines. It was a baby tirade to end all baby tirades.

So Andrew says Street Fighter 2 was invented by the devil. I disagree. I think Andrew just hasn't been man enough to look inside himself and realize it's a game. He hasn't seen the inexact program that Super Nintendo is. Sometime you should ask Andrew about how fiercely competitive he is in one-on-one sports. Ask him about his pitching wedge in golf. Or that time in racquetball what happened to his racquet? It's only a matter of time before I can add to that list, "Andrew what happened to the sliding glass door? or Andrew what happened to that shattered SNES controller?"

Just thought you'd like to know the real truth about Street Fighter. It's not that it was invented by Satan. It's that Andrew has a fiercely horrible and diabolical competitive streak. That said I'm off to play Madden on my Playstation. Have a good one guys.

Satan Made Street Fighter 2 to Foil the Plans of the Upright and Righteous

You may laugh my friends, but this is in fact the case. See here if you don't believe me. The writing on the devil is actually an ancient satanic language and it says, "I and I alone made Street Fighter 2!". So there you have it people, you heard it right from the horse's mouth...Satan was the creative developer behind Street Fighter 2.

"Woah woah woah, Smith" you're telling me, "I know for a fact that CAPCOM made Street Fighter! You're a liar!"

I, you anonymous, ignorant nay-sayer, am not a liar! Journey with me, if you dare, into a place of hatred and bitterness...a place where otherworldly weeping and nashing of teeth takes the form of "You lose!", "Perfect!" "SHOORRYYUUKEENNN!!" sounds...a world that incites men and women alike and awakens the inner demon of anger deep within their souls! Come with me to the devil's dance floor ! Come with me to the land of my misery! Come to the land of Street Fighter 2!!!

I know for a fact that Street Figher 2 was constructed by Satan to destroy the otherwise mild manneredness of individuals like myself. I like to think of myself as an even keeled guy: not much upsets me, I'm not overly competitive, and as you all know, I'm pretty awesome. With that as my background, I am not one given to immediate provocation. When confronted with a disappointment, or with a loss, or with a defeated dream, I take it in stride.

HOWEVER!!!

Street Fighter 2 brings out the worst in me! It's like the devil is actually extracting the worst characteristics of Andrew and putting them on full display for a watching world to see. And when I say watching world I mean Keith, and the neighbors across the hall in apartments 19, 20, and 21...that's how thunderous my rage is when playing Street Fighter 2. So this is what happens when I lose at Street Fighter:

FIRST! I seem calm, starting blankly at the television and the hideous image of E.Honda, or Blanka, or Dhalsim and his stupid elephants telling me that I, in fact, have just lost. "YOU LOSE!"

SECOND! This can go two directions here. What I usually do is, with the controller in my hand, turn and throw the controller at the wall as hard as I can. No joke. I suddenly become as powerful as Samson and I try to throw the controller through the wall. If that doesn't happen, I pump fake like I'm going to throw thw controller, but then pause...only long enough to contrive the most elaborate list of profanity that you've ever heard. And there I usually with, with controller raised in fury, wishing many ill wishes on E.Honda and his stupid 'Doof Gooey' move (in no uncertain terms).

THIRD! Regardless of what happens in phase 2 of my eventual metamorphosis into hell-spawn, step 3 is again, a rapid fire bout of profanity and I usually pick up the controller and actually try to break something with it, like the nintento, or a glass, or a beer bottle, or a sliding glass door, or the TV, or Keith, or something.

FOURTH! In addition to those antics, I'm also paralyzed by an inability to write in concise sentences. That's a more chronic condition, and you can go through the blog and see where that nasty demon pokes its little head up all throughout my writing (that's a joke, people).

FIFTH: I storm out of the room like a baby, mother effing everything and everyone who I've ever known. I know it doesn't make sense, but by its nonsensical nature it belies the poison that the devil puts into my otherwise rational brain. The climax of my maelstrom usually hits when I start picking up couch cushions and throwing them around the apartment with little care or concern for what I break, or who I injure.

I know by now most of you are probably looking at the computer with self righteous disgust, and rightfully so! This is ridiculous! If you doubt any single bit how deeply depraved I have become because of Street Fighter 2, you can drop a comment and ask Keith to corroborate. He will give a sheepish 'yes', and BETTER HOPE THAT I DON'T FIND OUT THAT HE'S TALKING TRASH ON ME BEHIND MY BACK OR ELSE...HHAARRRYUUUUKEEENNNN!!!!

Your field slave is my CEO

The Civil War is over. I'm not sure if you caught that headline on Fox News last night. Or maybe you didn't get the forward from your mother who thinks e-mail forwards rule. But General Lee did surrender his cause and the war ended at Appomattox Court House. Here see for yourself For the majority of you reading this blog, this will not come as a surprise. You have most likely taken a history course at some point in the last ... I don't know ... 15 years of your life!!!! So why am I making a big point out of this you ask? Allow me to explain myself.

For those of you who aren't Andrew, you may not know that on my last vacation I headed in the general direction of south looking at law schools and playing golf along the way. We hit up Dickinson Law School in Carlisle, PA. Unfortunately not as sweet as I thought it would be. It's nice to be central to several things, but there is one huge problem. We stopped by the Taco Bell because in case you didn't know, anything you want to learn about an area you can learn at a Taco Bell. We saw a plethora of low rent people and the burritos and crunch wrap supremes are 10 cents more there than in Western PA! How do you charge an average of 10 cents more for everything in an area of the state that's almost identical to another with lower prices. I was baffled. Therefore no Carlisle for me.

Then down to Virginia and all over. Went to Colonial Williamsburg to see some stuff as well as William and Mary. Went to Virginia Beach. Played some golf and saw Regent. What needs to be said here is if you hate golf one of two things applies to you most likely. 1.) You're a baby who can't hit the ball after you made fun of the game for years. So you're so upset you just say you hate golf. 2.) You have never played or hit the perfect shot. Because when that ball travels some 230 yards and lands four feet from the pin - all is right in the world. I love that game. It would be nice if I lived somewhere I could play more than say three months of the year.

Then down through NC to Columbia, SC to see University of South Carolina. Now I had heard it was hot and found that easy to believe. I had heard the people were nice and maintained a slower pace of life and found that easy to believe. I had also heard there were restaurants known as Waffle House that were slightly sketchy but AWESOME and I found that easy to believe. (I can verify that last one, dang do they make a killer waffle and some hashbrowns that took approximately 4 years off my life.) I had also heard stories of people who referred to the Civil War as "The Waaaaar of Northern Aggression." I heard these people still hung some confederate flages and if given the chance to secede would still do so today. This I found hard to believe. But you know what ....

It's true ...

This is someone's kid! I had found a picture of someone flying a Confederate flag right over a John Kerry poster, but it wouldn't let me post it. Stupid Democrats. Anyway, these are the type of people that still hold onto these archaic and asinine beliefs. I walked into a Maurice's BBQ place for some good Southern BBQ and there were confederate flags falling everywhere. Quotes saying things similar to, "If General Lee was a rebel than George Washington too was a rebel. Lee was just fighting for things he deemed to be correct and the ability to practice them in his state. Washington is as much as rebel as Lee." George Washington ... George Freaking Washington!?! He's the Father of our free and independent country for God's sake! Look I like Robert E. Lee as much as the next person, but there's no way he's on the same planet as George Washington. These people think they were right.

And you know the scary part sort of? I side politically with a lot of these people. I have to slow down to realize this and agree with them on a small level. They wanted state rights. And for the large part I'm down with that. I think that states should have the ability to decide some things that the federal government has no jurisdiction over. It cuts down red tape and makes things way more efficient. But there are certain things even states shouldn't allow. These generally include, but are not limited to by no means: killing people, owning people, and mutating people. There are others, but for the sake of brevity I think this covers the vast majority of them. So I have them on state's rights, but c'mon now guys. Let it go. They're selling little Confederate flags with their BBQ dinners at this place. Kind of scary. By no means is it the prevailing belief down there, but it is there. And I'm baffled. Do these people not see how awesome people from all walks of life are? Do they not realize that women, African Americans, and Hispanic people are CEOs these days? I'm baffled. I'm going to say it a third time - I am baffled.

If any of you have stories you'd like to share or advice to help me cope. Let me know. I'm dying here knowing this is the case. By the way, fun fact for you all out there. I learned that the county Myrtle Beach is in has the second most golf course per square mile in the country. You know where number one is? Good old home! Allegheny County in Western PA. Bow down PA haters!!! I'm out for now. Later honkies!

The Final Countdown

Alright kids in a brilliant stroke of creativity I've decided to give you the countdown to the last 10 minutes of my work day. Get pumped to hear about what I do in preparation for the weekend. I'm going to attempt to honestly blog for 10 minutes so you can get a stream on consciousness blog from Andrew! Hold up...wait for it...ok go!

10 MINUTES!!

Survey the scene..I still need to fill out some small paperwork before leaving for the weekend. I swear that in my old age I'm developing adult ADHD. I can't concentrate on one thing for more than 2 minutes at a time...

9 MINUTES!

Hence, the 10 minute blog. If I tried to type consistently about one thing for 10 minutes, I couldn't do it. Typically my blogs take about 20-25 minutes to do. Why? Because I can't focus on just writnig for that long. Dang it I misspelled some stuff...this is going to take away from minute 9

8 MINUTES!

I have to take so long because I
1) misspell a ton of crap
2) forget what I'm talking about half the time
3) check Joel and Katy's blog to see if they are giving me a shout out for my awesomeness.
4) re-read my entries like 2 times each. I am really particular about how

7 MINUTES

...I come across on the internet. In the absence of personal facial expressions, correct grammar and diction is paramount! Speaking of paramount, you guys should see my boss, Jeff. The dude is a solid 50 years old, and a towering obelisk of a man. I bet if there was a train traveling at 140mph on a southbound track

6 MINUTES

...Jeff could spear tackle it and make it derail! Never mind the countless lives that would be lost and the amount of destruction that he would cause, that's so freaking hard!! The Boss is tough, and I wouldn't want to be on the broadside of a baseball bat when Jeff is wielding it

5 MINUTES!

So typing the words "X MINUTES" takes about 4 seconds to do. I don't know why I'm typing it. Crap phone...yeah that too...crap phone...too long. Here we go

4 MINUTES

The phone ringing is not something I anticipated factoring into my blog. What I'm more focused on is getting the crap out of work and going down to see the horrible Pittsburgh Pirates play 'baseball' tonight. Watching the Pirates play is, I think, equivalent to watching

3 MINUTES

...a bunch of retards running around trying tocatch each other in burlap sacks. It's utterly pointless because nothing productive ever comes of the Pirates playing baseball. But tnoight is fireworks night, so it should be a good time, I think

2 MINUTES

Ok kids it's about ready to head out. I'm being hampered down by these work clothes...and yes I did coordinate my outfit today and I look slammin'. Joel you shut your mouth. Dang phone...one minute of work and the phone rings.

freestyle with joel

Hey go to Joel's website and ask him to freestyle. He does it all the time! Seriously!

Resident Alien

No, no, no this blog isn't about Spacehog , that great band from the mid 90's. As an aside, however, I do feel that 'Resident Alien' was one of the most underrated songs of the 1994-1996 era in alternative music. With that said, however, I must tell you that the term 'Resident Alien' actually refers to my former landlord, Judy C*** Red**** . I censor her name out only because once you hear about how horrible she is, you're going to want to find her and run her over with you car.

By the way...this is going to be a long blog so go get some Coke and some food. Ready? Get ready to get pissed.

SO! As you all know, Keith and I have moved to a new apartment because:
1) Chaney left, and an ancillary 3 bedroom would be superfluous
2) Because of shoddy construction, a leaky basement, and copious amounts of insulation (wait, that's a lie) our apartment is, for all intents and purposes, a dung heap. The place isn't fit to relieve yourself in, on, or near.
3) The sound of mice running around at night was a little tiresome
4) It killed my A-game sometimes
5) Judy, our landlord, is a space cadet, or resident alien if you will.

In the tumult that was our move, I had left something very valuable to myself in the old apartment:

my killer machete!!

So I stopped by the apartment just to pick up the machete, and that worked out well. As I began to make my departrue, Judy starts talking to me. What ensued was about to be the catalyst for the destruction of 'cordial relations' with Judy:

Me: Ok, well here's my machete...I best be on my way

Judy : Ok I'm glad that worked out. Hey I need you to move some filing cabinets from the basement up here to the living room.

Me: Well call Keith and I next week and we can work out a time to...

Judy : : Yeahhhhh I didn't want to call you and Keith beacuse I didn't want to bother you. I thought that when you guys left you were gone for good and didn't want to bother you with a call (red flag #1: that makes no sense at all).

Me (feeling a dull pain in my head): Ok, well, we do have cell phones and it's not a problem if you call...

Judy : : And ok, beacuse I wanted to give you your security deposit back, and when I cashed Keith's check (red flag #2: Keith had written Judy a check for our last month's rent strictly as collateral. What was supposed to happen we she was going to take our initial security deposit=1 month's rent and use that as our last month's rent instead of giving it back. Make sense? Yes it probably does, because you have a brain in your head)

Me:...wait Judy. Why did you cash Keith's check? (red flag #3: Keith wrote the check with little to no money in his checking account. Why? Because the check was supposed to be ripped up. Now that Judy had cashed his check...)

Judy : : Keith's account was overdrawn! I couldn't believe it! I was so scared that it would affect my credit and it would look bad on my record and blah blah idocy idocy...

Me (throbbing pain in head): Ok Judy you cashed his check, over drew his account, put him in danger of bouncing checks, and you didn't want to call he or I???!!

Judy : (absent mindedly):...yeah!

Me: Why did you do that?!?!?!?!

Judy : Well, because I wanted to give you cash for your security deposit!

Me: (no words come out, just stupification)

From there on out the details of the conversation get sketchy, but I'm pretty sure I told this oaf of a woman to sit her Ay Ess Ess down and wait for Keith to come over, so that she could give him back his money, he could pay his bank, and we could pay our bills. She looked at me like I was speaking Chinese, people. None of the things that I were saying even made a blip on her radar. This woman is so dead to the world of common sense and rational thinking that she didn't even know that when you take a check to a bank to 'cash' it, they don't just give you an equivalent amount of cash for free. That cash has to come from somewhere Judy, and in this instance, it was out of Keith's depleted bank. What a ho face.

So anyway she makes us move all of this stuff out of her house just so that we can get the security deposit back that we should never have had to be given back to us. After tromping through the already cluttered apartment (this woman has about 78 pieces of furniture in the house), and over stacks of un-forwarded mail (thanks, Judy) we finally get her crap moved up from the basement. She then proceeds to give Keith back his money that should not have been taken from him, yet fails to concede that maybe she should pay for his overdraft fees since she violated out implicit agreement. What followed from that point on was not pretty, because it involves me yelling at a 50+ year old woman. BUT SHE DESERVED IT SO HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED!!

Me: I hate you Judy (paraphrased)

Judy : Well, I'm just glad that things ended on a positive note! (smiling)

Me: Judy, things didn't end well. You cashed a check you weren't supposed to, overdrew Keith's

account which he has to pay for, didn't deliver our mail, and didn't even have the common decency to call Keith and tell him you messed up his account

Judy : (imagine cricket noises)

Me: If you do something like that, Judy, you need to call someone and tell them. You are the landlord. You need to be in touch with us.

Judy : Well I was just concerned about my credit and...

Me: That's dumb it was not your money that you were messing with. You were ruining someone else's credit and didn't tell them. That's irresponsible and FFR, you need to call people

Judy : (imagine cricket noises) Well I tell ya I've been doing this for about 20 years now and have never had a problem ever!

Me: Well this is a problem and you need to call people

Judy : Everyone seems to have a good time here and I love having students come to stay here!

Me: (resolved that nothing I say to Judy will hit a commonsensical chord within her brain, I give up). Ok well bye, Judy. I wish things could have ended on a better note

What a freaking nightmare of a woman. I swear, if you are ever in Grove City and think that it might be a good idea to rent from Judy C*** Red*****, I will punch you in your mouth really hard. That's it, rant over. I'm so pissed now.