Everything I Ever Needed to Know in Life I Learned from KARNOV!!

So I was sitting around the dinner table with Keith and (I think) Robbie Wright the other night regailing one another with tales about what we had been doing at work. Keith has been planning some travel and entering information into the most cracked out computer information synthesizer ever, aka Dreamweaver. Robbie has been somewhat involved in peddling kids' clothes at Baby Gap , but mostly he stocks the shelves and hides his secret Rock n Roll identity from the world. Of course the conversation naturally shifts to me. As my friends wait with Bated breath to hear what earth shattering task consumes most of my time at work, I announce finally that "I've been playing Karnov a lot". Yep...Karnov!!

For those of you who don't know what Karnov is, you can click on the link in the title of this blog. It will take you about 15 minutes to read through the synopsis of this epochal NES title, but it will help you understand where on earth this blog goes. For those of you who want the brief rundown of what Karnov is about, it's essentially like this: Some fat Russian dude runs around these torn down cities and towns, shooting fireballs at mystical creatures as he fights his way to the final quest. Think about how sweet that sounds...it's pretty sweet.

The whole point of the game is to...WAIT, I'm not going to tell you that right this second. See, as I was playing Karnov, I realized some ingenuity behind the story line. While one may think that the plot is vague and irrelevant, it actually serves to form the background for one of the greatest video game analogies ever. Are you ready for this? Karnov is an analogous to actual real Life! Let me explain, because that's really what this blog is about.

Throughout the game, Karnov, our protagonist, is assaulted on all sides by a wide variety of enemies. The enemies range anywhere from ornery pillaging pirates to immense T-Rex's. The enemies come in all shapes and sizes, and they always strike at the most inopportune moments. The ferocity of the enemies also varies. Whereas if I shoot a bat with one fireball he blows up, it takes me 5 fireballs to kill a gargoyle. And the Gargoyle shoots little balls at me too! So as you can see, the enemies are all different. Here we see the FIRST of many parallels to real life. In life, whether you are a fat circuis strong man or not, you face problems of all varieties. Maybe you have to deal with an ornery co-worker, or have to let someone cut you off in traffic (a pesky annoyance not altogether different from trying to shoot a bat with a fireball). Or maybe you have more difficult tasks to handle-a demotion in work, a boy/girlfriend breaking your heart, or getting into a car wreck because that douchebag didn't signal into your lane and slammed into you. But through the arduous or the mundane, you triumph...you shoot your fireballs of determination and will and you conquer that task, er villain eventually.

But sometimes in life, your problems aren't so easy that they can be easily defeated by (let's call them) fireballs of determination! Sometimes life hits you with the jumping mer-man of all problems! You've probably guessed that I'm hinting at the mini-bosses at the end of each level. As Karnov slugs his way through Babylonia, Water World, uhh Air World, and others, he eventually comes to a boss which he has to defeat (inset left). Look at that boss! He's a jumping mer-man who throws green balls at you out of his satchel of evil. Dang! But no matter how big the boss, it's always in Karnov's best interest to use one of his special items to help him defeat the boss.

As Karnov travles through each level, with its mini boss perpetually awaiting him at the end, he picks up special items along the way. He can get boots that help him jump, a mask that does nothing, a bomb that blows up 5-fireball-gargoyles in one hit, a neat looking shield, etc. Again, we see a parallel to real life. As we deal with the trials of life, we gain skills that help us cope. We grow in our faith, we learn how to develop mental and emotional fortitude, we learn how to defend ourselves against being taken advantage of, etc. These are only experiences that can come from adversity. As Karnov often has to take the path laden with more enemies to get that Shield icon, in the end it's worth it...because the shield is arguably the best special item.

And when should you use your shield? When the mer-man is throwing big green balls at you! The items that you earn to ultimately help you beat that tough mini-boss are invaluable. So are the experiences and times of personal growth that come through life's toughest adversities. As you've probably guessed by now, the jumping mer-man tosser and other bosses like him (the TRex, a 2 headed dragon, medusa, and a lion!) really represent the big trials in our life. They seem like trials that no one can weather, and in all reality they may actually kill you (I died about a hundred times trying to beat the 2-headed dragon). Keeping your head high, and keeping your chin set like a flint against the torrent of such trials prepares you to take on that one big trial that makes you a better person (and lets you get to the level where you get to use your Wing icon...what a sweet level!)!*

You've seen now that I've made 3 allusions to real life from the video game Karnov. Another neat allusion relates to how the enemies appear throughout the game. If you've ever played any video game in your life, you know that as you advance to higher levels the enemies get tougher to beat. Video games are very predictable like that. However in Karnov, on any given level you can fight any random assortment of enemies. There's no real rhyme or reason to how many enemies you fight, what type of enemies you fight, or even which miniboss you fight (not including the last boss)! I think I fought mer-man 3 times, medusa 2 times, the 2 headed dragon 2 times, and some old guy with a lion once. And guess what? there are a total of 9 levels! Sometimes you may be lolly-gagging through a level and BAM Medusa shows up right in the middle!! "WHA?! I didn't anticipate that!" you wind up screaming at your computer screen much to the chagrin of your co-workers. But that's just IT ladies and gents. Just as Karnov can never take for granted what's going to be thrown his way, and just as he can't sit on his haunches and predict that the flying yoda thing is always going to come at him in level 2, so too can we who are actually real humans never predict all of the trials and misfortunes which will inevitably plague our lives. We need to be ever vigilant, always seeking to be prepared for whatever life circumstance in which we find ourselves engrossed.

As Karnov himself would say, "Жизнь никогда не предсказуемый ..., используют ваш щит и скачущие ботинки!!" I could not agree more. But when the fight is over, and the game has been beaten, what is a noble warrior's reward? What is it that he finally accomplishes through his quest?

Treasure!

Or so you think. The picture above was taken from the victory scene in an arcade version of Karnov. Do you know what happens when you beat the entire Karnov video game on Nintendo? NOTHING! Literally, nothing happens. You get a black screen with the words "The End. Congratulations!" At the end of Karnov you realize that there was never really any point to the game. You don't save a princess, you don't stop a pestilential darkness from overtaking Russia, you don't even get a handsome reward. You beat the game...that's it. There's no cheezy Nintendo cut scene with Karnov awkwardly tossing gold dabloons on his fat, bald, 8-bit head. There's not even a fanfare postlude. You get nothing. At the end of Karnov you realize that there was never really any point to the game. It's at this point in the allegory that Karnov ceases to be a direct parallel to real life, and actually it becomes a 'choose your own adventure' novel . You can continue to see Karnov to its full allegorical ending...that life has no meaning, is fraught with trials and tribulations, and ultimately is vanity-a chasing after the wind. You sentimental existentialists out there are fervently nodding your heads and are already looking for Karnov on ebay (ps I HATE ebay that's why I'm not giving them the satisfaction of having an actual link in my blog).

OR!!!

If you choose, you break with the allegory that I have thus far proposed and make of life what you will. Maybe you see treasure in the end. Maybe you see that the treasure is actually finding out what on earth the Mask icon is used for. Maybe you see your life as a divine theatrical performance. I don't know what you see as the purpose of your life. And I'm not here to tell you what life is or is not about. All I know is that I was struck by how Karnov, the video game, is like life. How life strikes you is your decision.

*Author's note: I'd like to make a parallel here about how having others around you, who support and encourage you makes facing life's trials easier. But Karnov doesn't provide that outlet. Karnov pulls himself up by his bootstraps and don't no one come to help him out when he's down in the dumps. In the vein of typical Russian machismo, Karnov shoulders the burden of the world on his own shoulders. Sorry kids.