That must be in the new, hipper version of the Bible.

I need to take a break from my Hawaiian paradise to talk about something that I feel is important

Christians seriously need a makeover. Honestly. Sometimes I wonder how Christians get labeled as stupid, imbisilic, do gooders. Then I turn on TBN and catch snippets of the Paula White morning show . The circumstances which placed me in front of a TV which was showing 'Paula White' are irrelevant at this point...I watched the show ok? Good Lord this woman is a retard. Now when you sort out all of the details, this lunatic and I share the same faith and so let it be said first off that every comment I have to say is ultimately based in a love for her, and out of a desire to help her try to see why I am upset with her. So Paula if you are reading this (I know you are, you silly crackpot), take it all with a grain of salt. But my blood is boiling so I better get started here.

As I watched the train wreck of the Paula White show commence in slow motion, this is what I saw:

1) Unlocking the Secrets of Communion! Yes Oh Christian, the sacrament of the eucharist isn't just something that Christ told us to do to remember his sacrifice on the cross. Oh no it's more than that. If you do communion the right way (every day, in your house, with Paula's home communion kit), then not only will your life be enriched, but in fact you might be rich!! That's right, communion is actually a secret sacrament that, when taken in the right way, unlocks the secret temporal treasures that Christ has laid in store for you here on earth. Need an answer for an enigmatic malaise? Take communion. Need a few bucks to throw around? Take communion. Need God to come down on high and reveal His will to you so that you don't actually have to have 'faith like a child'? Take communion, and all the mysteries of God plans for your life will be laid out in easy to follow, mortal transcription.

Get freaking real. Did this woman even consult the New Testament before thrusting herself in front of a TV camera? I highly doubt it. No mention of Christ's sacrifice stumbles from Paula's lips. No mention of confession, meditation, contemplation is broadcast to the eager listener. I don't even think she quoted Matthew, Mark, Luke, Corinthians, etc. to shed any light on the history of communion, nor on it's eternal significance as a covenant. Through the Gospel of Paula, she declares that Communion is a time for you to unlock earthly happiness and contentment. Anyone who's picked up a Bible and at least flipped through it could probably tell you communion isn't about what more God will do for you, but about what He has already done. I think I remember reading somewhere that he who takes the sacrament lightly, and for improper reasons eats and drinks to his own judgment? That must have been somewhere in I Cor. 11 though...not on Paula's reading list.

2)Poverty is a Sin!! Yes from the mouth of Paula White, poverty is equated to sin. At one point she was droning on and on about how you, yes you, can break the cycle of iniquity in your life. See, iniquity is not just sin, but continual sin. Uhh ...I'll take your word for it. But anyway she goes on to say that just because the punishment for iniquity was wrought on your ancestors ('the sins of the father are passed down from generation to generation') does not mean that YOU have to be punished! Just because your mom was a drunk does not mean that you have to be a drunk. And I kid you not, this is a near quote "Just because your mother was poor, does not mean that you have to be poor!". Woah there. Did Paula just equate poverty with sin? I'm not here to get into a debate about how one becomes poor, because certainly you could be poor because of your sin. But from what I see from Paula, being poor is the sin, and you shouldn't have to wrestle with that 'sin' like your mommy and daddy did.

Get real. This is so idiotic, I'm not even going to touch it.

3) and last off (because I'm getting progressively more pissed as I write this), you'll need to see this travesty for yourself. Yeah, you're seeing things right...JCPositive. Just read the drivel that explains how a moment of clarity helped Paula come up with this future winner of the "Terrible Christian Stocking Stuffer" award. How stupid is this crap? I can just see a student in the hallway giving the 'skinny' on his JC+ rhinestone dogtag to a classmate:

Christian: Hey man what's up
Other student: Dude what's that fake-ass looking bling you've got going on?
Christian: Hey man stop swearing, maybe you didn't know I'm JC+!
Other student: That's stupid, what does that even mean?
Christian: You know, it's kind of like supposed to be my blood type, but better because I'm a Christian.
other student: That doesn't make much sense, and you look like an idiot.
Christian: At least I'm a JC+ idiot!
Other student: Man, Christians are so lame

Yup, Christians are lame. Honestly how are you supposed to win people over to Christ with a stupid looking dogtag with an even stupider story behind it? What happened to just telling people you love the Lord? What happened to just being bold enough to tell your friends "Hey guys I'm a Christian"? Why do you have to wear a chinsy looking piece of Sino-crap that you know will be in a trashcan within 6 months (if you can withstand a beating for that long)?

If any of you have that chain, I hope that you are not offended at me expressing my opinion. Maybe it's because I was watching Paula early in the morning and I was grumpy. Maybe it's because I'm out here trying to sell my Christian college to students who need to be at a Christian school. And maybe it's because I've been getting heaping doses of G.K. Chesterton as of late. But Christians can be so lame. We've been given intellect. We've been given the ability by a divine creator to explore our faith and our freedom, and all we can come up with to symbolize our exhilerating gracious freedom is a plastic dog tag and some borderline heresies on Communion? This is ridiculous! It's time that Christians stop living behind their mail order Christianity. It's time that Christians stop giving into the stereotype of being narrowminded, one dimensional thinkers. We of all people have the ability, nay the divine obligation, to be excellent in our thoughts, in our philosophies, in our engagement with a watching world. I'm so sick of seeing pop-culture Christians fleeing the battle field of the culture wars, only to huddle together on the sideline and yell really loudly "We don't agree with your postmodern culture!" Stop your huddling! Stop your cross clutching. Pick up a book (and Paula, pick up a Bible) and run headlong into conflict.

You have a divine obligation to be effective, O Christian, not to be disaffected. Use your intellect and use your freedom. Stop feeding into your self-perpetuating stereotypes. Rant over.



"We're more than static and dial tone, we're emblematic of the unknown. So raise the banner, bend back your bows! Remove the cancer, take back your soul! We are the image of the Invisible!" -Thrice