France is always trying to rain on my parade

Andrew here.

It's been now a month and a half since someone posted here. I've tried to goad Keith into writing, but he seems to be in a state of quiet futility with our good, ol' blog. It's hard to get motivated to write a bunch of stuff when you're super busy all the time, or when you don't have the internet, or when your post-shower warmness doesn't stick around long enough to keep you warm all day. It's also hard to drop blogs about stuff that isn't on the whole, very interesting. So today, just as one who tries to start a camp fire using news paper has to quickly stuff sheet after sheet of paper in the fire in order to get a steady burn, I'm going to hit you all with some 'mini-blogs' that I've thought about writing before, but would have taken too much time and energy (and been relatively boring). That was a long sentence. But unlike Billy Joel , I WILL start THIS fire!!!

Firestarter One: France!! I was in the bar yesterday ordering some awesome chicago style pizza, and I heard some dude ripping on France. I guess he had just come back from being abroad, and was relaying his adventures to his friends. The only snippet I caught from his conversation from across the bar was, "I F*&$ing HATE FRENCHIES!!!" I silently nodded his way in approval. Today, I learn the Scientists in France have released a report about global warming. They have now proven the earth's core temperature is rising, and within a hundred years the earth will experience the most devastating meteorilogical cataclysm since the ice age: winter is going to be shorter. I was like "ARE YOU KDDING ME?! THIS IS AN ANSWER TO PRAYER, NOT A CAUSE FOR ALARM!!!!" As you all know I hate winter, so to hear the report from these scientists that in 100 years the earth might be 11 degrees Ferenheight warmer was music to my ears. Apparently not everyone is as pumped up about global warming though.

So in the report the French scientists make a note about how we can stop the global warming nightmare...oh wait, no they don't. Of course they don't!! No one's got a solution to global warming, of course. The fact of the matter is 6.X billion people inhabit this earth, which in itself is enough to cause ridiculously high carbon dioxde levels. Couple that with the fact that we have to work, eat, live, move, and generally manipulate our environment in order to survive, and I think it's a wonder the earth isn't warmer! I love how these same scientists, who are well versed in talking about pre-historic climate shifts, ice ages, and the like now freak out about an 11degree temperature increase. These dang French don't know how good they have it! Think about how all the dinosaurs (never forget!!) must have felt. I bet if you would have asked them how they would have liked an 11degree climate increase, they would have jumped up and down on their dinosaur legs with joy! "11 degrees vs. extinction?! Hooray for global warming!!" they would proclaim. Anyway, I thought it was perfect for some French scientists to whine over global warming then propose nothing to correct it. Viva la France!!

Firestarter Two: Speaking of Ice Ages, yesterday in North Carolina they were predicting the biggest snow/ice storm of the century. They had been talking for days about how we in North Carolina were going to get 5-6 inches of snow in the early afternoon, then get about a quarter inch of ice on top of that, and then have freezing rain all night. Boone, NC came to a halt yesterday. Schools closed down, skiiers unpacked their ski equipment, and salt trucks cruised up and down the street in anticipation of this winter maelstrom. Heck, even my college classes were canceled! I was under the impression (thanks GCC) that colleges never, ever closed. However one look at the forecast, and ASU closed up like something that closes up quickly. Surprisingly, I was really excited to see this storm. I figure a storm this bad, especially in lieu of global warming, had to be a rare sight in NC. I was looking forward to people freaking out, and falling down on the sidewalks, and taking their cars to the "Ride with Pride Car Wash" across the street to get all those inches of salt off their cars.

Anyone want to take a stab at how long it snowed yesterday? 3 hours? 8 hours? Try like 50 minutes. It snowed, stopped, the sun came out, and it got up to 40+ degrees. I was so bummed. That's the second time that has happened this winter. The first time it happened (a predicted winter catastrophe ends in a whimper), my friends and I left our conference in Sarasota, FL early just to avoid it. Of course there wasn't any precipitation then. So what I have come to devine is that people down here, sort of like Frenchies, like to make a big fuss about something that cannot control at all and overstate its impact on our lives. Maybe I actually live in France...

Firestarter Three: My new year's resolution is to put on a few pounds. Every time I say that to people they always ask the same exact question: "Why?!" Well people I've weighed the same for about the past 4 years. I've decided this year I'm going to bulk up and be huge. So far I've gained about 8 pounds. My grocery bill has shot through the roof, and now I'm hungry ALL the time. It's so weird. Anyway, that's about all I have to say about that. If this plan backfires on me, and I can't fit into any of my cadre of suits, though, I'm going to be one hot little potato (or a hot big potato).

Firestarter Four. Senator Hilary Rhodam-Clinton, or however you spell Rohdam (or Hillary for that matter). Wow...wow. I just saw a news report about a group of feminists who think she's too conservative, and that she's a war monger. This deluded group also claimed to be her core constituency. If a group of people who think that Mrs. Cliton has been too soft in her opposition to the war claims to be her constituency, image the people on the far left of her constituency. Yikes. I said it a long time ago, and I'll say it again, if Hillary wins the presidency I'm emigrating. Carly and I have talked this over, and she's cool with it (I think).

Firestarter Five: I guess Mrs. Clinton did initially vote for the war and has voted to send more troops, money, arms, etc. to Iraq, which could make her vocal protest of the war somewhat of a hypocrisy. Maybe the Dems are going to churn out another flip flopper. By the way, the highlight of this news story with the crazy feminists was that this one girl said that the democrats couldn't afford to have "another flip flopper" nominated to run for President. "Uhh I voted for the war, but only after I didn't vote for the war"...sound familiar people?

Firestarter SIX!!!! Speaking of the Presidency, how sweet is the revelrie "Hail to the Chief"? I doubt there's been a better song written for a President, and you can take that to the banc.


Alright people I'm going to make some more coffee. Keep it real.