"This one's on the house"

Hello friends!

I just wanted to drop by to make a re-appearance on the old faithful blog. I'm going to link this blog from my other blog so hopefully everyone will come over and read the genius that is "Keith and Andrew Fight Back!" Speaking of Keith, where is that kid anyway?! You make sure he comes back and blogs. But for now, take THIS!!!!!!




Back when I was in college the first time, I learned very quickly that just because something’s ‘on the house’ it does not automatically mean it’s a good thing. It could be a good thing, in the following examples:
1) You get a free beer from your favorite bartender (“Hey, Smith, it’s on the house”)
2) Someone does you a favor (“Don’t worry, Smith, there’s no charge”)

But consider:

3) Some 6’4” inebriated college senior startles you awake at 3 in the morning because he wants to jump into your bunk bed, cuddle, and then twist your nipple (“Smith! Smith, don’t worry, this is on the house I promise”).

When I think of the phrase “It’s on the house”, this is the scenario that comes to my mind. Welcome to my sophomore year of college, and while we’re here let me also introduce you to Foust, my senior suite-mate. Foust taught me a lot about life. He taught me that some people actually do get fired up about hockey. He taught me how to structure my scholastic priorities (“SMITH!!! 10 years from now are you going to want to say that you STUDIED all Wednesday night or that you got to hang out with FOUST at BENJAMIN’S?!!?!!). He also taught me the value of respecting people older than you (“SMITH!!! If we don’t get some food on the way home, I’m going TO KILL YOU!!!!”). And above all, Foust taught me how to make sure that when you’re going to do something to someone that they probably won’t enjoy, it’s best to preface your action with phrases like “Hey, this is going to be on the house”. It makes them feel better, I guess.

Fast forward now to, well, right now. For the better part of 4 years I’ve been slinging the phrase “It’s on the house” or “There’s no charge for that” around whenever I feel like doing something that someone isn’t going to like. At this point I say and don’t think about it. But lately it’s sort of been troubling me for two reasons:

1) I say it to people who can’t hear me.
2) I think it’s funny

Let me tell you whenBeing as that I live by myself, sometimes I forget that my road faces one of the busiest intersections in Boone, North Carolina. Every single day, at every single minute of the day the roar of traffic from the intersection of routes 421 and 105 fills my apartment. Since I live by myself, and since I don’t have anyone to tell me otherwise, sometimes I forget that when I’m changing my clothes, everyone outside can see me. In fact, not only can the people who are stopped in traffic look right into my window and see me, but the people at the car wash across the street can also see me. It’s great to be the center of attention all of the time, but I doubt that the people across the street who have just seen a flash of Andrew in his underwear feel the same. It’s amazing how desensitized I’ve become to it! Every morning I do my usual routine: wake up, open the blinds to see if it’s still raining, scratch my chest, yawn, stand there for a while, and then go get a shower. Inevitably, some guy in a car looks up at me and quickly turns away. Or sometimes the lady with her kids, who is washing her Ford Windstar is staring up at me all offended like. It’s usually when our eyes meet that I realize that I have no pants on, and that these people are probably none too happy for having seen me in my britches.

This is the entertaining part, people. Since I’ve become so used to being on display for everyone to see, what I usually do when people spot me is point at them, give them a little head nod and mouth the words “That’s on the house!” I usually get a big kick out of it, and chuckle to myself thinking “that person just got a free show…lucky”. It seriously happens all the time. I’m changing for class…BAM I’m spotted, and that’s on the house! I’m getting in the shower, WHAM how about THAT for a view and of course there’s no charge for that! I feel like I’m in the Red Light District in Amsterdam what with all these cars whizzing by and people gawking at me. But the main difference is there’s no charge at my house! It isn’t until about 5 minutes later that I realize how retarded I am (or “MR” or “special” or whatever the preferred nomenclature is these days). It really isn’t that funny, but it gets me every time.

So after years of incorporating Foust language into my vernacular, and after just 3 months of living in a one bedroom apartment, this is what I’ve resorted to: entertaining myself by making nonsensical quips to people who can’t hear me and who probably don’t want to see me either. I guess it’s all just as well…we have to entertain ourselves somehow. And in case you haven’t guessed by now, this is just ONE blog of MANY which will give you tips on how to entertain yourself if you are a poor graduate student living in a rural mountain town. Stay tuned, because there’s nowhere else to go from here but up.

And speaking of looking up, if you were driving by my apartment this morning…that one was on the house.